Clean Sweep

It's Sunday afternoon, you've slept till 2 p.m. At five past, the headache sets in and the malodorous mixture of beer, cigarettes and the overall night before oozes into your bedroom. You lay in bed, dreading the cleanup of last night's party that awaits you. But fear no more. Put down the phone, save your money, there's no need for a cleaning service. Stop yelling at your roommates to do it -- come on, confess, you were the rowdiest one there anyway. And come to terms with this painful realization: the smell won't go away on its own. Brace yourself, it's time to clean. Ignore the way your feet stick to the kitchen floor, trudge through it, open up some windows and turn on the fan. Grab the garbage bags and get the sponge ready because with these expert tips, you're about to have the cleanest home in Bloomington -- even after a raging party.\n"Garbage control first," says sophomore Adam Beatty. Yes, the beer cans and the empty pizza box are the only remaining evidence that your party was a total success, but it's time to part with them. Put on a pair of rubber gloves, hold your nose, turn your head away and pour each can's leftover beer down the drain. It's nauseating, but it's better than a leaking garbage bag. Grab the biggest trash bags you can find, load in the cans, the cups, the remains of last night's refrigerator raid and get all that garbage out of your house. \nGarbage bags are only one of the official must-haves for cleaning up last night's extravaganza. Linda Cobb, the self proclaimed "Queen of Clean" from www.queenofclean.com, relies heavily on club soda. She says it's the best emergency spotter there is. (First) lift any solids carefully off the carpet and then pour on the club soda, blotting with an old rag until all the color from the spill is removed. Don't be afraid to really wet the carpet, it won't hurt it -- carpet goes through countless dippings in water as it is made. Blot carpet easily by folding a rag and standing on it, turning the rag as it absorbs moisture and discoloration from the spill. Also, a little bit of salt goes a long way in the stain department, so don't forget to stop in the spice aisle the next time you're at the grocery store, especially if you're a red wine drinker. \nNow that your stains are soaking, it's time to be bold and get to work on those counters. Don't let the fact that your matte counter tops are glistening with sticky beer intimidate you. Junior Jeff Friedman praises "409 counter cleaner (as a necessity) to spray any hard surface. And a lot of paper towels." Counter tops are a determining factor in the level of resulting cleanliness, so burn some calories and scrub! Sponges are especially handy during the first wiping of the counter tops. Yes, welcome to reality, you'll definitely need to go over the counter tops more than once. Paper towels are best for your last phase of wiping because it allows you to feel any grime your sponge left behind. For the ultimate clean, a little anti-bacterial spray during this last wipe will ensure that your countertops are germ-free.\nAlright, it's finally time to de-stick your feet from the floor and bust out the mop. The spilled beer is the primary source of that after-party stench. "Get down and mop it," says Beatty, who recommends using a powerfully scented pine-smelling soap to most effectively clear the air of last night's game of flip cup. Swiffer Wet is also good for cleaning floors because it eliminates the "get down" aspect of scrubbing. Its lightweight frame and built-in cleaning solution makes it the most efficient means of cleaning for those mornings when time is particularly cramped. \nBut keep those gloves on, because it's time to return to the bathroom. You walked in there when you first woke up and ran screaming, but you've got to do it eventually and there's no time like the present. Of course, that drunk kid's vomit completely missed the easy-to-clean tile, avalanching your delightfully fuzzy bathmat. But, Cobb says not to worry, just "shake off or scrape off what you can over the toilet. Flush the fabric from the wrong side with cool water, using a forceful stream. Once you have removed all that you can, make a paste of liquid laundry soap and 20 Mule Team Borax and vigorously scrub the fabric. Rinse with salt water and pre-treat and launder as usual." Well done. With all vomit out, the leftover stink is the urine-coated toilet seat. Well, luckily, the Clorox fairy has created a magic Toilet Wand with a solution to this problem: the disposable scrubber. It allows you to clean from a distance and throw out the wand's head by simply pressing a button on the handle, no contact necessary. Junior Rachel Weissman recommends "Lysol wipes for all countertops" in order to achieve the maximum clean. After scrubbing down the bathroom, gather all of the towels for washing. Try not to even think about what they may have been used for last night.\nThree kegs stand tall and proud in your living room. You want them out, they want to stay, let the battle begin. What's at stake: your security deposit. First step, arm yourself, go next door and grab all the neighbors you can find. They don't want to come? Force them, and if necessary, remind them that they said they would help you last night while they were attempting to set the record for longest keg stand ever. They didn't actually offer their services? Don't worry, they won't remember anyway. Now, bring those babies back and get your money.\nEven though your pockets are heavy with cash and your thoughts are consumed by different lunchtime possibilities, it's time to return to that carpet. Keg party realism: cigarettes will be smoked and ashed on your living room floor. So get that vacuum going! \nOkay, it's time: inhale, exhale, ah, you knew there had to be some oxygen left in here after all. Boil cinnamon sticks in water on the stove, spray some Febreze around and do a little victory dance, because your apartment is now olfactory friendly and visitor-ready once again.