The bell tolls for celebrities, too

It never ceases to amaze me that the most famous, public figures -- from actors to music artists -- are the ones most concerned with keeping their affairs private. \nYou'd think they loathed having adoring fans. \nWhen my aunt planned her first wedding ceremony, she invited more than 100 guests, had her engagement photo printed in several newspapers and had the wedding party gallivanting around town in a stretch limo. When she planned her second wedding, she decided she needed one ceremony performed in a Las Vegas chapel (pre-planned!) and a redux in her hometown, so that she could be sure to have as many witnesses and gifts as possible. \nSo when I see reports every year of celebrities renting entire islands or resorts to keep their wedding ceremonies "private," I question their intentions. Let's be real: no one sinks that much money in a Vera Wang and a personal isle without wanting it captured on every magazine cover in the grocery aisle. \nIs the island marriage really about stranding paparazzi on the mainland, or is it actually a status symbol?\nI say the latter. The richer you are, the more you can afford to look like your business is nobody's but your own. Elusiveness is the luxury of multimillionaires. But, of course, they want people to catch glimpses of the ceremony. Of course they want it publicized.\nActress Renée Zellweger and country music singer Kenny Chesney wed last week on St. John island of the U.S. Virgin Islands. They followed in the sandy footprints of numerous celebrities before them -- Madonna, Bill Gates, Paul McCartney, Britney Spears, Tiger Woods, Mira Sorvino and Natalie Imbruglia, just to name a few of the recent ones -- who have fled to locations ranging from Barbados to Capri, Fiji to Hawaii. \nI've come to the conclusion that perhaps they all just misunderstood what Paul Simon meant that winter's day, in a deep and dark December. He said, "I am a rock, I am an island," referring to the loving he disdained, not "I love you, so here is your multimillion-dollar rock and multimillion-dollar island wedding." \nBut I would say the English poet John Donne, who first coined the expression "No man is an island" four centuries ago, could have had a premonition about the lifestyles of People magazine's favorite people today. No matter how full of yourself you become in the cast of the limelight, your wedding is no more important than my aunt's. \nExhibit A: bubble. Exhibit B: needle.\nPop! \nIn one of the episodes of the last season of "Oprah" shows, Jerry Seinfeld was the guest, along with the rest of the Seinfeld cast, to promote the Seasons 1 and 2 DVD releases. Oprah commended the popular comedian for being friendly to his fans and the paparazzi in public, as opposed to many other TV stars who would wear disguises and flip off the cameras. \nHe summed it up best to Oprah in that interview: Why would people whose whole livelihoods are based on being in front of cameras give off the impression that they don't like the attention? \nMy theory is guilt. Rich celebs can't handle the fact that their lifestyles are pretty blessed, so they try to appeal to their fans' ethos -- that they are nothing but victims to the harsh realities of (ah!) flashbulb stardom. \nSob, sob. I'd be more inclined to pity stars if they told me about their posh, but all-consuming, coke addictions. At least snorting doesn't involve the title "This year's sexiest person" or the allegation that "he's been seen canoodling at several locations with this lithe Swedish supermodel with high cheekbones and legs that just won't quit." \nI just don't buy it, Tinseltownians. \nGo ahead. Chopper down on your secluded island for your wedding. But no celeb is or truly wants to be an island.