'State' of emergency

Just when I thought action moviemaking couldn't get any lamer than the Vin Diesel vehicle "xXx" along comes "xXx: State of the Union." However stupid its predecessor might've been, "State of the Union" ups the ante and turns the idiocy knob up to 11.\nIce Cube stars as Darius Stone, a former Navy SEAL incarcerated for decking his commanding officer Gen. George Deckert (Willem Dafoe) during a mission gone awry. Also on said mission was Agent Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson), the "xXx" franchise's M: only black, scarred and male as opposed to the English, wrinkled and female Judi Dench of recent "James Bond" movies. \nAs Diesel's character, Xander Cage, was "killed in Bora Bora" with no further explanation, Gibbons recruits Stone in quelling a coup on the president (Peter Strauss) by ... you guessed it, the newly enacted Secretary of Defense Deckert (Dafoe). (Oh snap! Cube's gotta score to settle and he's gonna take out the trash.) Helping to halt the assassination attempt are NSA Agent Kyle Steele (Scott Speedman of "Felicity" fame) and Zeke (Xzibit), a chop shop-operating buddy of Stone's who's busy "pimping" everyone's "ride" but his own. Also thrown into the mix are Lola Jackson (Nona M. Gaye, daughter of the late, great Marvin), Stone's car-crazed ex-girlfriend, and the conniving caucasian cupcake Charlie (Sunny Mabrey, an actress who's looks are considerably better than her filmography of "The New Guy" and "Species III").\nSo how did things get so bad? Let the laundry list begin:\nCube is woefully miscast. I could imagine Diesel doing crunches in between takes; Cube would more likely eat Krunchers. This is unfortunate as I've liked much of Cube's cinematic career, i.e. the John Singleton films "Boyz N the Hood" and "Higher Learning," "Friday" and "Three Kings." Hell, I even dug "Torque." Now, this cat is relegated to kiddie crap like "Are We There Yet?" and Diesel's sloppy seconds. \nDirector Lee Tamahori, who bungled the last "Bond" flick "Die Another Day," fumbles this fledgling franchise. Action sequences are so dependent upon CGI you might as well be watching a cartoon (see the indoor tank fight that looks as though it were a cut scene from "G.I. Joe"), they're also gauzier than a mummy and cut faster than Tyrone Biggums' crack to make up for Cube's lack of athleticism. The damned thing is also boring -- a cardinal sin in action pictures. Lastly, how a director not only wastes but embarrasses actors of Jackson and Dafoe's caliber is beyond me. Tamahori, who's admittedly done some worthwhile work -- "Once Were Warriors," "The Edge" and an episode of "The Sopranos" -- began his career in New Zealand as a boom operator -- perhaps he should return.\nHowever bad Tamahori's direction is, Simon Kinberg's script is worse. This is Kinberg's first produced screenplay. Before that he did "script doctor" duties on "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" and "Elektra," as both those dollops of doodie arrived DOA, one has to wonder if Kinberg is performing cinematic abortions or Dr. Kevorkian-esque assisted suicides. That he's tackling three eagerly anticipated forthcoming flicks ("Mr. and Mrs. Smith," "Fantastic Four" and "X-Men 3") saddens me to no end.\nTo add insult to injury, the soundtrack sucks ass. Who really needed to hear Korn and Xzibit's cover of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power?" Forget the president, someone should assassinate this movie.