Kinsey Confidential

Question:\nMy girlfriend and I have been trying to have sex for some time now. We're both in our twenties. She is, however, a virgin. It is a bit painful for me to put my penis in her. I can insert one finger but two will hurt her. What do you suggest that I do to "widen" her vagina? I would really appreciate some help. I also find that I always orgasm before her when doing sexual activities without intercourse. As one has more sex, will that allow him to last longer? I have only had sex twice.\nAnswer:\nIt's always a good idea for a woman to make an appointment with a healthcare provider (such as a gynecologist) if she is considering becoming sexually active, and your girlfriend might find this particularly helpful because she's experienced some pain; she should let them know about this pain prior to the exam. That way, her healthcare provider can be more gentle with her (possibly with the use of smaller exam instruments), and can also consider possible causes of her pain. Women can also learn a great deal of sexual health information at their exams such as information about contraception, fertility, menstruation and prevention of/testing for sexually transmissible infections.\nWhile many women experience some initial discomfort when they first try vaginal intercourse, it is typically possible to insert the penis -- and at the very least, to insert a finger or two -- comfortably inside the vagina.\nWhen people feel anxious or uncertain about having sex, it can affect their bodies as well as their emotions. Women might lubricate less or feel unable to relax, such that their vagina doesn't "tent" much (expand in length and width) as typically happens during sexual arousal. Among men, anxiety or stress is sometimes associated with erection or ejaculation problems. These are just some of the reasons why we encourage people to be sexual with a partner only when they're feeling physically and emotionally ready.\nHowever, even when women feel ready to be sexual with a partner, some experience a condition called vaginismus (estimated to affect fewer than 2 percent of U.S. women). Vaginismus is often described as an involuntary spasm of the muscles around the vagina which makes penetration difficult or impossible (and quite painful). Some women even have difficulty with using tampons or having gynecological exams. \nThere are several suggested causes of vaginismus (including sexual abuse/trauma, anxiety and the presence of an unusually high number of nerve endings that sense pain around the vaginal entrance), but we don't fully understand this condition. Treatment options include sex therapy, physical therapy, vaginal dilators (sort of like dildos, but in a variety of smaller sizes and available from healthcare providers and therapists) and, occasionally, medications.\nYour girlfriend's healthcare provider truly is the best starting point for understanding more about her pain. However, you two might find visiting a sex therapist to be very helpful as well; visit www.aasect.org to locate one near you. \nIn regard to your second question -- yes, it's common for men to ejaculate relatively quickly at first (and certainly, to orgasm more quickly than many women). However, men often find that they're able to delay ejaculation ("last longer") after they have more experience with sex. If this persists, you can learn some strategies for ejaculatory control on the KISISS Web site, in sex therapy or by reading "Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner and Have Great Sex" by Dr. Michael Metz and Dr. Barry McCarthy.\nA final note: Both of these questions are about the ability of your bodies to "perform" a certain way -- for her vagina to comfortably accept your penis and for you to last longer. While these are common concerns, there are many ways that you two can enjoy time together emotionally and physically that aren't hinged on performance. \nRather than looking for ways to "widen her vagina," it probably makes the most sense for her to try to insert one and then two fingers herself and in private. If that goes well for her, then she can guide your fingers in the same exercise (using lubricant as needed). This suggestion is less about "how to make intercourse happen" and more about your girlfriend seeing how comfortable it can be to try inserting her own finger(s), keeping them there for a moment and maybe gentle movement -- always stopping if it gets at all uncomfortable.\nIf these gradual attempts are not working, then it really is better to seek help from the above sources. And meanwhile, maybe you could look for ways to widen the scope of your relationship -- like finding more activities you enjoy together or ways to appreciate each other's company. Sometimes when couples experience sexual problems, they blame themselves (or each other) or their frustration takes center stage. As best you can, try to keep talking with each other not only about your concerns, but also about other ways you can comfortably explore your relationship. Good luck. Visit the Web site at www.indiana.edu/~kisiss