The battle of the sexists

All right. Who left the seat up?\nWhile awaiting the Ron White segment of "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again," I decided to suffer through the Bill Engvall act instead of changing the channel. My laziness was punished with a trite tirade on the old standby: How women differ from men.\nEngvall says women do silly things like bring their purses on hunting trips, forbid their husbands to hang out with their friends and generally complicate things for men, who need only three things in their lives: eating, sleeping and sex. I guess the latter explains why you big lugs bother to put up with us.\nComedians and journalists have always relied on these differences as the staple of their material, and people never seem to tire of relating to it. This leaves women like me, who prefer Cheetos to salad and a spontaneous air hockey tournament to an evening at the ballet, feeling like glandular freaks in need of a sideshow to join.\nThe issue is especially relevant at this particular point in time. According to Ann Coulter's Web site, www.anncoulter.com, she's got her bloomers in a wad over female deputies, since one was overpowered by a male rape suspect during his trial in Atlanta. Additionally, an Associated Press article released March 17 lists the results of an extensive study showing the many differences between the X and Y chromosomes. I don't know about you, but I can't wait for Dave Barry's hilarious perspective on that one!\nDuring this year's spring break TV binge, I probably saw an average of six commercials per hour featuring irritatingly inaccurate gender stereotypes. A couple stand out: one, an ad in which the laid-back, easygoing husband convinces his reluctant, uptight ball-and-chain to buy a high-horsepower SUV only after pointing out it's the perfect size for that family she's been pestering him to start; two, a commercial portraying the new "Rocky" boxing game as the antidote to girly-man metrosexuality.\nPersonally, I'd rather have a flashy vehicle than a baby right now. And I'd sooner yank out my un-pedicured toenails sans anesthesia than discuss the role of hair products in my life. Am I kicked out of the girl club?\nIt makes me wonder how many women are born with a disposition toward things like shoe obsession and playing hard-to-get, and if that number is a lot less than the number of women who mold themselves into the stereotypes perpetuated by people like Engvall so as to feel that they identify with their peers. And how many guys marry nagging shrews because they've been taught to believe that's how wives are supposed to be?\nIn an ultra-P.C. society that treats gender equality issues like a Fabergé egg, I don't get why it's still OK to categorize such hugely general groups of people this way. Men are made to look like dullardly, sex-crazed buffoons, while women are portrayed as moody psychopaths who get a sadistic kick out of withholding sex from their boyfriends at will. Female crusaders for equal treatment in the workplace and elsewhere should be annoyed by this mentality, not laughing and nodding in agreement when they read this crap in Cosmo.\nNot all women are dying to discuss the meaning of their romantic relationships for hours on end, and some of them even think farts are funny. And there are plenty of guys who enjoy "Amèlie" as much as the Superbowl. None of these people should have to hide their true selves from their friends for fear of appearing not to live up to their gender roles. We're not as different as we like to think we are.\nThen again, maybe I'm just being hypersensitive. I am a chick, after all.