My funny VAL-EN-TINE

Valentine's Day, like venereal diseases, Vin Diesel and various other VD-initialed words, makes me irrationally angry. \nFirst of all, the symbol of Valentine's Day is the heart, and I hate anything related to the cardiovascular system. Don't get me started. \nSecondly, I hate that stupid love poem you see on all the cards: "Roses are red, violets are blue ..." What the heck? Violets are violet. Lying about the color of flowers just to make a poem rhyme is not very Christ-like.\nMy primary source of contempt for this day, however, spawns from these three words: whiney single people. Every Feb. 14, disgruntled singles throw nationwide hissy fits about the woes of singleness. \nHowever, there is always a rationale explaining someone's single stature. In fact, every instance can be linked to three main reasons, which can be seen through the breakdown of the word "Valentine" itself: VAL-ENT-INE.\nFirst of all, a number of singles suffer from what I call the "VAL" syndrome. These are people who, although they are not very attractive themselves, only lust after people as good looking as Val Kilmer. There was a girl in my high school, for example, who for nearly four years obsessed over and was repeatedly rejected by her two gorgeous male friends. As luck and one too many episodes of "The Golden Girls" would have it, however, both of them ended up being gay. It wasn't until she lowered her standards to someone who was moderately good looking and heterosexual that she was finally able to find love.\nThis concept of having high standards brings us to our second category of singleness: "ENT." Whereas in the medical profession, ENT (ear, nose and throat) patients generally have temperatures that are too high, ENTs in the dating world have expectations that are too high. They are far too picky and fickle about finding the "perfect mate," to the extent that even excessive eyebrow girth can be cause for breakup. They project grand fantasies and huge expectations upon possible mates, which are promptly shattered to pieces when the person does not meet their standards of perfection. \nThe final cause of singleness spawns from the "INE" factor. In chemistry, when iNe (ionized Neon on the periodic table) molecules are put into a vacuum tube, they glow orange and give off a high discharge. In contrast, many singles in this giant vacuum tube called life do not perform like the iNe molecules. They do not make the effort to attract others, nor do they give off a high sexual discharge. With atoms and love alike, it's all about creating positive chemistry.\nAs sad as it is to say, we live in a very shallow world. People like big breasts, nice butts and hard bodies. Exterior presentation is paramount -- kind of like with Christmas presents. No one wants to open a gift that's wrapped in newspaper or is still in the T.I.S. bag, no matter how good the inside really is. I'm not saying that conforming to these beauty standards is necessary to lure a mate. However, looking good will greatly increase the likelihood of someone opening your package.\nThe bottom line is, with all three categories, the path to couple-hood begins with a crucial first step: honesty. You must be truthful to yourself, not only about how you look but also what you are truly looking for in a relationship.\nSimply put, looking for love is like looking for gum under your seat. You can't expect it to be flawless and unchewed. The best you can do is scrape off the excess hair and learn to appreciate a new and interesting flavor.