Secrets to happiness

Are you happy? No? Well, fear not: bliss could be as close as the nearest newsstand.\nAt least, that's what folks at Time magazine want you to think...\nThe January 17 edition of Time features a massive, 68-page insert entitled "Science Pursues Happiness," highlighting the latest research into the relationship between psychology, biology, humor, money, marriage, sports, religion, work and national culture on the one hand and "warm fuzzy feelings" on the other. According to the scientists interviewed, long-term happiness comes from investment in relationships and activities ("engagement"), and serving a greater purpose ("meaning"). Meanwhile, the article claims that, in the short-term, things like "counting your blessings" and "practicing acts of kindness" can boost happiness.\nWhat a load of hooey.\nIf we've learned anything from popular culture, it's that these sorts of behaviors lead us precisely in the wrong direction. I mean, "engagement?" Like, investing time in a relationship? Haven't these people watched any soaps? Tell someone you love him or her, and five minutes later they're in a coma. Or playing naked trampoline with Eduardo, the pool boy.\nNo, it's time that someone tells it like it is. Someone with a thorough education gleaned from daytime TV, Hollywood, Top 40 radio and People magazine. \nAnd that someone be I.\nSo, from these sources of wisdom, here are some real keys to happiness: \nBeer. It makes the dull witty, the nerdy cool and the wimpy tough. And it never produces any side effects, except zany hijinks. Best of all, even if you're a big slob who looks like he lost a fight with the washing machine, just keep drinking -- the babes will flock to you. Incidentally, this explains all those ads for trash bags and dishwashing liquid with cute women married to guys resembling Fred Flintstone.\nShopping. Is there anything better than going out and buying stuff? Yes! Go out and buy stuff that other people know is really, really expensive. And if they don't know, tell them. In fact, show them the receipts. That'll get their eyes a-poppin'!\nBeauty. There's a reason all those cover models are smiling. Of course, beauty is not just skin-deep. It involves bones, muscles, cartilage -- all sorts of stuff. It's best to hire a professional to re-arrange it -- an expensive professional. Get a receipt for this, too.\nPrescription drugs. We've all seen the commercial: that poor rock-looking thing is sad because not enough circles are getting from its ... uh ... doodad to its ... um ... hoochie-ma-bob. Well, don't let this happen to you! Let modern medicine cure your ills! In fact, let a variety of modern medicines cure your ills! A variety of modern medicines taken all at once! And don't worry -- the melting purple spiders mean it's working.\nCelebrity. What could be more fulfilling than being a rock star, a movie star, a famous athlete or some other type of celebrity? That's right, absolutely nothing. Helping people is nice, but it never got Mother Teresa a guest shot on "Law and Order." Well, except that episode with the crack-dealer impersonating a Macedonian nun. Anyway, since you can't be truly happy without being a celebrity, it's important to go out and get "discovered." But don't try too hard. It's not like it takes work or talent or anything.\nMindless violence. As a child, you instinctively knew the secrets of happiness. And what made you happier than seeing Wylie Coyote get squished? This may sound a little morally questionable. But if God, in His infinite wisdom, did not intend for us to be amused by mindless violence, He would not have created Hummers and street mimes.\nClearly, the folks at Time magazine have built themselves into an ivory tower disconnected from us average, normal people. I mean, who are you going to trust? Some scientists with their "data," or the experts at the E! network? I can certainly tell you who has the higher ratings.