This is my Christmas column. If you, gentle reader, have not an affinity for yuletide cheer, then read no more. And bah humbug to you.\nChristmas is my favorite holiday because it lasts for a freaking month. \nSure, Thanksgiving is turkeytastic. The Fourth of July is spectabulous. Halloween is splendiferous. Easter is ... well, pretty weak.\nBut all those holidays only last one day. The "season," as it's known, seems to go on longer than a Cuba Gooding Jr. awards ceremony acceptance speech. \nAnd when I talk about Christmas, I'm not talking about the birth of Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth wasn't even born on Dec. 25. Christmas, to me, means the holiday season, which includes people of every religion and non-religion. The season is an annual span of about 35 days between Thanksgiving and Jan. 3 when folks can lighten up and spend all their money on people they have to pretend they like.\nBut low, dear reader, it takes many ingredients to make a Christmas pie.
Christmas Music\nCome this time of year, my dial is tuned to Light 107.9 -- all merry Christmas tunes, all merry day long. Listen for an hour and if you're not ready to jump into a life-sized stocking, I'll give you a sugarplum.\n"The Christmas Song," written by Mel Torme, is my favorite. But please, "The Velvet Fog" or Nat King Cole only. If I have to hear Christina Aguilera belt out that beautiful song with her horrendous reindeer voice again, I might shoot myself with a Red Rider BB gun. \n"Happy Xmas" by John Lennon and that woman comes in at No. 2, but again Lennon's version is superior. No fakes. \n"Drummer Boy" by Richie Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke Show Christmas special is probably the most precious thing I've ever heard in my life. Anything else by Cole comes next, and anything by Mariah Carey or Amy Grant comes last.
Christmas food\nIf eating Christmas food during the season is still en vogue, I don't know where. I've never actually eaten chestnuts, especially those roasted on an open fire. I've heard much about hot toddies, but I still don't know what-the-Claus they are. Eggnog is alcoholic, which is good, but it freaks me out. Maybe it's the name, maybe the color. Maybe it's the indigestion. Beats me.\nI'll stick to Christmas beer.
Presents\nThe most important time of the season, as everyone knows, is the instant you open your presents. The only depressing aspect of this sacred ritual is that I'm no longer the youngest tot in my family. Not even close. So when I run to the tree at present time, I look pretty foolish. And if I have to knock down a few little cousins, so be it. I want that tie rack, and I want it now.\nAs far as buying gifts is concerned, I try not to. However, my conscience (that prude!) always gets the best of me. \nThe theory, though, is sound. I buy no presents, giving me more money in my pocket when the season is done. It's as if I actually got more presents than everyone else. Which means I win. And if the season is about anything, it's about winning.
Being a Kid\nFor God's sake, have fun this Christmas.
And so our semester comes to a close, while visions of sugarplums dance in students' heads. Remember, Christmas is the same season it was when you were eight years old.
