The commonwealth of Florida

My fellow Americans, I watched the presidential debate last week (if for no other reason than the fact that Jim Lehrer is such a hottie). As I watched, it was blazingly obvious that our entire system of government has become more bipartisan than the Olsen twins. (Well, assuming Mary-Kate and Ashley have opposing platforms on foreign policy.)\nThird party members in elected office are few and far between. For years Republicans and Democrats have been running the country like peanut butter and jelly, chocolate and vanilla, cats and dogs, Joanie and Chachi -- never mind.\nIt seems that the term bipartisan has a negative connotation these days. Some might see it as being limited to only apples or oranges when maybe no one wants a fruit elected to office, anyway. With many voters feeling forced to choose between "the lesser of two evils," it doesn't seem like the voice of the people is actually represented. In that sense, democracy has failed.\nFret not, I have a solution. Currently each voting-eligible citizen gets one vote and it can be used for one candidate. What if we changed that?\nWe could use a variation on the voting process called the Borda Count Method. The method involves assigning point values to each candidate. The candidate with the most points would still win, but constituents wouldn't have to feel like a third party vote is a vote down the garbage disposal.\nFor example, Lefty McLefterson could assign three points to Nader, two points to Kerry and only one point to Bush. Or maybe we could just switch it to rock-paper-scissors. \nTo actually change the voting process would be a difficult task to say the least. I could try writing a letter to one of our members of Congress, convincing him or her to love my new voting agenda as the bill-worthy cause that it is, or in the words of political analyst 50 Cent, "like a fat kid loves cake." \nAnd if that didn't work, I would have to be elected to Congress, pat my head while simultaneously rubbing my stomach, argue a lot and sacrifice the blood of a virgin to the god of ratification. Quite frankly that's a lot to get done in time before the election. \nBut what if I did somehow change the way we vote? My new method where your hand represents various office supplies is a bit more complicated than the current process and I know what you're thinking. Looking back on 2000's election, it's obvious the State of Florida would not be allowed to vote anymore.\nAfter the last "election" I was reminded of a cartoon where Bugs Bunny sawed off Florida from the mainland U.S. and said something along the lines of, "South America, you can have it!" That's not a bad idea. Florida is such an awkward peninsula.\nI've decided the most efficient way to solve this dilemma is for Florida and Puerto Rico to swap statehood status. Puerto Rico becomes a state and Florida becomes a commonwealth. We don't have to add any stars to the flag and I can only assume the Puerto Ricans will be more skilled at rock-paper-scissors than elderly people driving Le Sabres and golf carts. Everybody wins!\nThe only foreseeable issue with the swap I can think of is the necessity for a few slight alterations to the script of "West Side Story," but other than that it should be smooth sailing. \nOnce Florida is no longer a real state, Michael Eisner could be the governor for all we care. It's really not our problem anymore.\nSo if you've been looking for where to point your finger in response to our narrowly constricted bipartisan sate, point it southeast to the Sunshine State. If we can't blame Florida, maybe it's Canada's fault or maybe El Niño in conjunction with Michael Eisner ... -- God bless America.