Tidiest cell on the block

Hey Martha -- don't drop the loofah.\nAmerica's hottest 63-year-old billion-dollar house-queen has decided to go to jail to "put this nightmare behind me" and "reclaim my good life."\nJust one question Martha -- which good life is that?\nIs that the life in which you sell "advice" on how to properly peel a cucumber, or the one in which you get tips to sell stocks to shave off the dying skin of your portfolio?\nFirst off, let's toss the leaves of that issue. What Martha did first was wrong but excusable. If your stock broker told you, without provocation, to sell every ounce of your ImClone stock because it was about to go down the drain, what would you do? Just like me, you would sell out faster than Nelly. \nBut that's not why Martha's trading in her sport suit for a jumpsuit. She's going to jail because she sat down before a judge -- and the United States of America -- and claimed ignorance, saying she never received a tip from Peter Bacanovic that ImClone CEO Samuel Waksal was considering dumping his stock after he new the FDA would refuse ImClone's application of a new drug. Martha claimed her stock dump, which saved her a whopping $45,000, was entirely coincidental.\nNote to self: If you're under oath, tell the truth. Martha's lie is costing her five months in the pokey (hard-core criminals call that stint a little nickel -- or maybe not).\nSo now Martha is getting her just desserts.\nBut Danbury Prison in Connecticut, one of the two possible joints to which Martha is headed, could use some trimming from the diva of domestic tranquilities. So could the Coleman Federal Correction Complex in Florida, Martha's other request, which is more of a federal getaway than a prison. Thirty-five percent of the country doesn't live so well, which is perhaps the true travesty of Martha's "punishment."\nMartha's in line for some housecleaning. First on Stewart's list is Halloween. What would All Hallow's Eve be without some decorative costumes? I'm sure Martha would know how to clip a pumpkin suit out of those orange monstrosities inmates are forced to wear. She could probably even arrange a trick-or-treat program, with each inmate passing around her cup to get urine samples from their neighbors.\nSoon after would be Thanksgiving, and Martha's got some festive ideas for We're-Friends-with-the-Indians-Psych!-Day. Imagine, no more beans and mush. A Marthashank feast would be complete with a roasted vulture from the ball yard and ragweed sprouts from the interstate.\nFinally, no Christmas would be complete without some assistance from merry Martha. After decking the halls, Martha and her friends could toast with a glass of eggnog. Or dirty water, whichever is more abundant.\nWhen Martha's 10 fortnights are up, she has some post-prisonic plans to carry out. Mark Burnett, "Survivor" creator and good friend of Suzie Homemaker, said he plans to produce a reality show about Martha when she returns from the can.\nWhich makes me wonder, what will the show be called? The Newlyfed? Roadwork Rules? Celebrity in the Hole? Whatever the title, we will most likely see a much different Martha from years past. Prison tends to do that to people.\nAnd if you think the preceding lines are tired cliché garbage, you're right. But they can't be said enough because Americans have to know that everyone -- from the low-class masked burglar who robs the convenient store to the founder of Martha Stewart Living -- needs to be held accountable for his or her actions. It is not OK to cheat, even in a capitalistic environment.