The stormin' Mormon

So there's a new Tiger Woods in town.\nIn the past few months, one man has emerged as the most dominant athlete alive. His cunning is matched only by his brute strength, his speed only by his spunk. He is a paradigm of the all-American entertainer. Women want him, and men want desperately to be him.\nI'm referring, of course, to "Jeopardy" He-Man, Ken Jennings. Or as fans like me like to call him, The Stormin' Mormon.\nLet me begin by saying The Stormin' Mormon is my hero. He, along with an endless supply of 40s, got me through my summer. I celebrated when he broke the $1 million barrier, and soon forgot. I celebrated when he scored a $70,000 episode, and soon forgot. I celebrated one other time, but I forget what happened that night.\nSo the recent news of (stop reading if you haven't heard the spoiler) his imminent loss nearly paralyzed me. How can he lose? He's not even human!\nBut then I figured it out. The Stormin' Mormon did not lose. The vicious report is just a ploy by right-wing conservatives to distract us from obvious shortcomings of the president. If we as a nation are transfixed on the possibility of the Mormonator's fallibility, we might forget that the president can't even spell "Jeopardy."\nAnd that's when I realized he really can't spell "Jeopardy," much less develop a plot to rig "Jeopardy." The answer must lie elsewhere.\nSo then I looked the other direction, and I determined the Kerry campaign must have fabricated the story to deflect voters from his enormous bird-nose. Perhaps if we as a nation were transfixed on the mortality of Nerd Jennings, we might forget the Democratic candidate has a beak the size of Nebraska.\nBut then I checked his record, and over the last six months, Kerry has said that he supports Jennings, that he doesn't support Jennings, that Jennings is a nerd, that Jennings is not a nerd and that Jennings' bank of knowledge is both "freakish" and "under-representative of the cognitive state of the nation." A man this confused could never commit to such a devilish plan.\nWhere to now, I thought? \nMaybe it was Hurricane Ivan. As if he couldn't cause enough death and destruction during his 12,000-city tour of beach homes and trailer parks, now he's gotta cut into my TV time. \nHold on, I told myself. Get a grip, it's a hurricane. It can't even read. Like the president, only different.\nJesus, who is responsible for the ultimate televised prank? \nOh, Jesus! Just when I remembered Jesus, I understood the true nature of the destroy-a-dork plan. \nJesus was hanging out in hell with Mormonism founder Joseph Smith (turns out those trysts with Mary Magdalene were not such a good idea after all). Smith was seer-stoned and placed a $12 trillion bet with Jesus on Indiana's football team. Jesus, like any self-proclaimed savior in his right mind, accepted but was ushered to his ruin by seven turnovers. Jesus got pissed and sought vengeance on Smith's most successful son.\nYeah, but then I realized Jesus has a lot of voicemail to take care of, what with that Ivan terrorizing the country and inducing millions to pray. No, a man that busy would have no time to undermine the foundation of pseudo-intellectual television.\nSo it's not Bush or Kerry. It's not Ivan. And it's not Jesus. \nIt was at this low-point in my reasoning that I prepared to surrender to the ultimate truth. No person is invincible. Anyone can make a few mistakes. The truth is that my hero, Ken "The Stormin' Mormon" Jennings, actually did -- WAIT! Martha Stewart ...