Fall TV preview: Born to suck

It's that time again: lots of new crap on television. But with all your classes, required sleep, occasional homework, flagrant drunkenness and finding time for your significant other, you just don't have time to watch all the new shows. Never fear -- this is what they pay me for.\nFirst up, sitcoms. Everyone thought when "Friends" and "Frasier" took a curtain call in the spring, the sitcom was dead. This fall's television lineup proves, well, everyone was right.\nWe have "Joey," the everyman's "Frasier." He has left Central Perk and moved toward the City of Angels to become a hot shot actor (he's bound to make it if he can act better than Matt LeBlanc). The last few seasons of "Friends" were really stretching it -- and that was spread over six people -- so the natural conclusion is to let this guy go out on his own? Verdict: A fitting start to NBC's new "Must Suck Thursday."\nCBS gives us "Listen Up," in which Jason Alexander tries once more to ride the coattails from "Seinfeld." The show will be based off of the life of Washington Post sports columnist and ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser. But I'll just read the columns, thanks. Verdict: Sucks.\nIn "Commando Nanny," Mark Burnett stars as a British expatriate whose job includes being a nanny. Verdict: British people are funny, I'll give them that -- but, alas, sucks.\nReturning crap summary: Remember when "Scrubs" and "Will & Grace" used to be funny? Me too. Remember when "Malcolm in the Middle" and "King of Queens" used to be funny? Me neither. \nLook forward to: "The Simpsons," which never gets old.\nOn the more dramatic front, we have ABC's "Lost," about a group of people who become stranded on an island in the Pacific and, I don't know, attempt to prove Darwin right or something. Verdict: It'll be better than "Gilligan's Island" or "Survivor," but look for this to suck and get lost around midseason.\nThe WB's "Jack & Bobby" is a coming-of-age about two brothers, one of which grows up to be president and reflects on his childhood. But -- fooled you! -- they're not the Kennedys. Verdict: Intriguing. It's "Dawson's Creek" meets "The West Wing." Chance of sucking: 50 percent.\nOf course, there will certainly be no shortage of dead people turning up this fall, as criminal and medical investigators take to the airwaves. A short list of sucky crime and hospital shows includes "CSI: New York," as well as the other 80 "CSIs;" "House;" "Hawaii;" "Medical Investigation;" "LAX;" "Law & Order: Trial by Jury," with the other 50 "Law & Orders;" "Third Watch;" "Crossing Jordan;" "E.R.;" "Cold Case;" "JAG;" "Without a Trace;" and surprisingly, "NYPD Blue," which I thought left TV long ago.\nLooking forward to: "Boston Legal," a spinoff of ABC's "The Practice" starring James Spader (who saved "The Practice" from sucking abysmally in its last season). Also, "Dr. Vegas," as the ever-entertaining Rob Lowe plays a physician working at a Las Vegas casino.\nNow we come to the third rail of television, reality programming. Coined the third rail after the high voltage line in subways, reality TV is clearly the bastard child of television, with much less respect from yours truly.\nDonald Trump returns for "The Apprentice 2." I liked last season, and I'm crossing my fingers maybe someone will jump from that penthouse window this season instead of taking that embarrassing elevator ride down to the curb. \n"The Next Great Champ" and "The Contender" are looking for boxing's next all-star. Verdict: I wonder if these shows will be as rigged as boxing already is.\nReality crap summary: "Apprentice" knockoffs; many dating shows, full of meaningless sex and overflowing tears, because people clearly don't get enough of that sort of drama in their real lives they must supplant it with TV; contest shows; many makeover shows (but the real question is, can they make me over to end my boredom with these shows?); and, finally, some new shows which swap families and swap moms.\nGod. My generation is going to be remembered for this.