Old Man Bar Rat's ode to B-town bars

Man, oh man. It's about that time for me. Come next week I'll officially have graduated (assuming I can talk my stat teacher into a little "bump" on my midterm). \nSo, for my last column, I must write of the social scene here at IU, because it rocks of course, but could use a little constructive criticism in my opinion. \nFirst off, since as of next week I'll officially be "old" for school, it gives me the right to be a grumpy old man and rant a bit about the bar scene here. I know what you guys are thinking, "Dude, the bar scene here is sick! I mean, DJ Unique plays at Sports like every night!" \nWhich leads me to my first little beef. Sports. The bar I, along with many teenagers, have had their most shameful/awesomely retarded nights. Is it me or does this bar have an identity crisis? The conundrum that strikes me is how this school is far too cool for dancing in most cases. Besides Axis, which is a graveyard many nights, dance clubs just don't make it here. Yet at Sports, by 1 a.m. people are up on top of booths getting their shake on. Seems as though the only place really, really ridiculously good looking people dance is at the place that isn't even built for it. And man, I've seen some close calls on chicks slipping off the rail and almost biting it hard, which brings me visions of lawsuits dancing in my head, but knock on wood. \nBathrooms: Man, did I miss the memo about how no bar in town needs to take care of the facilities after dark? Sorry, I know I'm supposed to be too bombed to even care, but on some nights when I'm not blacked out, I am disgusted. If you use the sink at Upstairs, you are doing yourself more harm than good, since most dudes use it as a third urinal anyways. And would it kill the countless employees in red shirts at Kilroys who walk around staring at the endless parade of pretty ladies in those little pink skirts (whoever deemed those little things back in style receives a Jammy: Jam Session Boner Achievement Award) to fill up the paper towel dispenser here and there? \nDrink Specials: I gotta tell you, the drink specials in this little southern Indiana town aren't too shabby. I realized this one night when I was in Broadripple celebrating the Pistons Game 2 win against the Pacers when I bought a round of Jägerbombs that cost $36 for four. One night out of either boredom or lack of funds I calculated you could have six drinks a night on every day of the week here and spend under $40 including decent gratuity, while going to a different bar every night. Don't have $40? Well a measly four articles for the IDS would pay your bar tab. Join the staff, won't you?\nFake I.D.'s: Fake I.D.'s are not allowed and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law at IU … Sorry, with the disclaimer out of the way, it's pretty well assumed that most bars pay their bills off fakes. Which is fine by me, I had one too, which I sparingly used. There are two groups of people with fakes at the bars: those who act like they're 21 and don't make a fool out of themselves … and … wait a second … age has nothing to do with it. If anything, minors are a little more responsible because the laws are stiffer. Just don't drink and drive everyone.\nEntertainment: Bloomington boasts itself as one of Indiana's finest cultural hubs. Then explain to me why cover bands reign supreme in this town? Oh wait, I asked some chicks one night at Bluebird during the Leonard Brothers' performance and they made it crystal clear: "I like 'em cuz they play songs I know! And they're cute!" I know, I like hearing their frat-rock version of "No Diggity" as much as the next guy, but how come the bands who write their own stuff rarely headline the big gigs in this town? \nThe best spot in town? Well folks, it ain't at the bar. It's at the quarries south of town. Yes folks, this place is off the hook, free (unless you get caught for trespassing, since it is private property) and downright awesome. The stoned townies out there on weekend afternoons are more than friendly and even give tours of the place as we found out a few weeks ago. The jump from the rock (see: "Breaking Away") is a pure adrenaline rush, and the atmosphere is something totally unique, especially to all of you from Chi-town and the East Coast. It's even better than Sports on a Thursday! \nAnd with that, I must be shipped to the real world, where you actually need credentials and skills to write for a paper.