I can still be famous

My continuing quest for fame appeared to have come to a dead end. After getting a B+ in magazine writing and being initially rejected for a position as a summer columnist, I realized I might not become the famous journalist I expected, and I might not even win a Pulitzer. So I walked around campus to do some soul searching when I saw a sign -- actually several signs. Basketball Camp. Soccer Camp. Wrestling Camp.\nThen it hit me. Of course! My kids! If I can't make it big on my own, at least I have a second chance with my kids.\nMy biggest regret in life is that my parents didn't push me enough at a young age. I know I have talents (though I'm still not quite sure what they are), but my parents just didn't care enough to figure out what they were and how to exploit them. As I walked by all those camps, I could only think what might have been. They did have me take piano lessons starting at age nine, but by then it was too late. I will not make the same mistake with my kids. \nMy main problem right now is that I don't actually have kids, but that's not going to prevent me from planning their future. I should start them on some intensive programs starting at age three at the latest because children need to develop their skills early so those skills become second nature. All the great performers started an early age: Michael Jackson, Mozart, Serena Williams. Tiger Woods even could swing a golf club before he could walk.\nThe necessity for starting children early is likely rooted in biology. Before age five, children are making connections called synapses between nerve cells in the brain, so it's important the proper connections are made during this time. \nAccording to the National Academy of Sciences Web site, "Children undergo tremendous intellectual, emotional and physical development from birth to age five. Providing safe, loving and enriching environments for children at this stage is crucial to development."\nAnd a safe, loving and enriching environment my kids will have. They'll go to soccer camp, wrestling camp, basketball camp, math camp, spelling camp, music camp, kung fu camp, poker camp, ping-pong camp and hot dog eating camp. Once I discover their true talent, they will specialize with some personal training. The trouble with most of these camps is there are too many people and too much socializing. Starting at age four, my kids need to get down to business.\nAlthough I will be content with my children being gifted in any area, I hope they will be gifted in math. Having been a top math student, I believe I know how to make a champion. I will put my young math wizards on a strict training regimen. They will run five miles a day, eat no junk food and take Chinese herbs for mental alertness. They will be in better physical and mental condition than any of their competitors and that will put me … I mean, them, over the top.\n It may appear that I will be one of those overbearing parents who pushes their kids into doing something they don't want to do, but that's not true. My kids will have plenty of time to show signs of potential by age five. If they don't, I'll disown them. I can't waste my time and resources on someone who isn't going to make me famous. \nI need to be famous. My kids are my last hope.