Somebody step on a duck?

What constitutes a great movie?\nMy dad and I often rap about this very question, particularly after I have just spent the night with my buddies watching a classic like "Caddyshack" or "Die Hard." Yes, these are crap movies, but they are crap movies done with such perfection and unique detail that they transcend the crap movie genre. They are timeless pieces of entertainment that you could watch every weekend without ever getting bored. That makes them great.\nNow when I say that these are crap movies, I do not mean in any way that they are crappy movies, because crappy movies are bad movies. Crap movies are not bad. Quite the contrary. Crap movies are wonderful movies that embrace and revolve around one or more of the following instinctual pleasures: sex, violence, sophomoric humor, antics, car chases, things blowing up, sappy love, gunfights, high energy and an overall level of tomfoolery.\nAlong with "Caddyshack" and "Die Hard," the highest level of crap movies include the following classics: "Animal House," "Halloween," "Major League," "Reservoir Dogs" and "Terminator 2." If you've seen and enjoyed any of these movies -- and more specifically, if you've seen and enjoyed them multiple times over multiple decades -- I challenge you to look me in the eye and tell me these are not great films. If "Duck Soup" is a great film, and "The Magnificent Seven" is a great film, then why not these? \nThe next rung down on the crap movie hierarchy are crap movies that are terrific but just aren't as good as the above films. This list includes "Predator," "Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke," "Police Academy," "Die Hard 2" and one of the all-time classic crap movies, "Top Gun." \nIn fact, one could make a pretty convincing argument that Tom Cruise is the world's all-time greatest crap actor. Crap actors specialize in all of the same stuff that fill crap movies, so the classic crap actor cannot be just an action star like Steven Seagal or just a comedian like Rick Moranis. Try picturing Seagal having sex with Rebecca DeMornay on the El in "Risky Business," or Moranis screaming "I want the truth!" at Jack Nicholson.\nIt just doesn't work, does it? Tom Cruise could pull off all those things, and although he always looked silly doing it, he charged through that silliness with a sense of purpose that made his scenes exhilarating. Laugh at Tom Cruise if you want -- and we all do -- but he always delivered the goods.\nDo crap movies ever receive critical acclaim? Yes, but only when they are mistaken as noncrap movies by critics. A perfect example is "Thelma & Louise," which has all the makings of a crap movie. It's a high-energy, fun-loving, chick-flick filled with car chases, things blowing up, sappy love and fantasy-like sex in which Geena Davis moves from an old, faux-macho, useless husband to a ripped, youthful cowboy version of Brad Pitt, who apparently doesn't own a shirt and whose primary desire in life is to pleasure middle-aged women on the lamb from responsibility. And yet it was nominated for six Oscars, including best director and two for best actress. Ridiculous, no?\n Great films are films with consistently high levels of entertainment, films that withstand the test of time, and films that can be enjoyed by many different people who have many different likes and dislikes. Sixty years later we're still watching "The Wizard of Oz," "Casablanca" and "Citizen Kane," and I would venture to say that 60 years from now, college kids will still be singing "Louie Louie" in perfect drunken harmony.\nAdvice from the John: See your future. Be your future. Ma-make-make it … make your future, Danny.