'Tis the season

So, what are your thoughts on Valentine's Day?" After a lull in conversation with friends in committed relationships, I was posed this question amid smirks and raised eyebrows. While I may be the occasionally-sarcastic, perennially-single girl, this seemed entirely inappropriate. Hey, I know what'll be good for a laugh -- let's ask our boyfriend-less pal about a holiday geared directly toward couples and see what bitter quips she comes up with. \nNo worries, though. Valentine's Day doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's the couples who are in real danger. Valentine's Day is an unintentional battle among men to prove who loves their girlfriend the most. \nLast week, my friend received six dozen roses from her boyfriend for no reason other than, "I love you." Just imagine, Valentine's Day is around the corner, you love your girl, but you're a penniless college guy. You've just placed your order for a half-dozen carnations on www.discountflowers.com when she calls, "Six dozen? For no reason, huh? Yeah, that's something." Cursing the jackass -- he couldn't have stopped after a dozen? -- you head to bed, tossing and turning in fear of Valentine's Day disappointment. All men would stop the madness if they could -- so-much-so that running on the "Ban V-Day" platform could lead to a fairly successful political career.\nWomen don't face the same worry. Sure, they need to come up with a gift, but the pressure just isn't there. Even Homer Simpson noticed the bias. "Oh, she's not gonna leave you before Valentine's Day! That'd be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash." Valentine's Day is a relationship land mine, which explains why shaky relationships start getting especially volcanic in the weeks preceding V-Day. It dawns on more than a few guys who see the bloodbath ahead that they could bail out early and save face (and cash). \nGuys, why blow a relationship over some pre-V-Day jitters? Call me a budding philanthropist, but I've decided to offer some gift giving dos and don'ts for Valentine's Day this year:\n1. DON'T: Candy. How inconsiderate are you? Even if the only crunch she's familiar with is the candy bar, this is obviously your ploy to fatten her up right before spring break. You bastard! Trying to derail her good time because you don't want other men looking at her. You're so paranoid and controlling! DO: Klondike Slim-A-Bear low-fat ice cream sandwiches. A gift that says, "I appreciate your sweet tooth and your defined waistline."\n2. DON'T: Fresh flowers. Overdone. And no matter how many you get, inevitably the six-dozen-guy's arrangement will be delivered at the same time as yours. And they die! What are you trying to say? It's over, isn't it? You want to break up! (Tears to follow). DO: Fake flowers. The silk ones can get pretty pricey, so unless you're a high-roller, stick with plastic. Hell, you could get ten dozen! Plus, these flowers are undying -- just like your love (try not to gag when you say it). Mr. Six-dozen-dead-flowers isn't looking so hot anymore! \n3. DON'T: Store-bought jewelry. It's expensive, un-inventive and probably the wrong style, color or size. No matter how real you think that cubic zirconia looks, she WILL be able to tell the difference. DO: Old school jewelry. Remember how much your mom loved that macaroni necklace you made in preschool? Homemade, thoughtful, and all it takes is some pasta and a little floss. You don't have to spend anything, unless you want to go all out and pick up a can of gold spray paint. Two words: bling, bling.\nSo men, do not wander aimlessly through College Mall. I've shown you the way -- two-stop shopping at Marsh and Wal-Mart, and V-Day success is yours. No need to thank me, the beaming smiles from macaroni-clad women on campus will be reward enough.