Those candidates sure are characters

Forget parenthood, the greatest joy in life is being an opinion columnist in a presidential election year. Like a Shakespearean tragedy with multiple heroes, there is hyperbole, treachery, misfortune, madness and bizarre twists of fate -- and we columnists get to play the Fools to the candidates' Lears.\nAt what other time, except, perhaps, while playing drunken foosball, would an adult claim he had "Joementum?" When else would the governor of Vermont's bloodcurdling scream be turned into 57 techno remixes and counting (according to my last check of deangoesnuts.com)? What other event could make the most powerful man in America, much less the world, take time to warn Congress about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases? Not that the warning wasn't good for them ... \nIn short, if you're not paying attention to this race, you're missing out on the greatest reality TV show in years, perhaps ever. By comparison, "Survivor" is a pale, asthmatic choir boy with flabby arms, and "Fear Factor" plays with dollies. But there is always room for improvement, particularly with so much of the season left to go. So I would like to suggest some more twists to make the race all the more compelling:\nBush is found to be an android -- all the mispronunciation and grammatical errors were because of his having an MS-DOS operating system. The 2003 State of the Union line about yellowcake uranium was a "type 53" error.\nAt a campaign rally, Joe Lieberman starts speaking in tongues, bringing a sudden boost to his poll numbers in Alabama. Locals report to journalists it was the first speech they'd understood in years.\nJohn Kerry rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually John Edwards. Edwards rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually Dennis Kucinich. Kucinich rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually Wesley Clark. Clark rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually Joe Lieberman. Lieberman rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually Howard Dean. Dean rips off his latex mask to reveal he is actually George Bush. Bush rips off his latex mask to reveal he is John Kerry. Al Sharpton rips off his latex mask to reveal he is the reunited 80s new-wave band Flock of Seagulls.\nThe General Accounting Office wins its suit to open the records of Dick Cheney's National Energy Policy Development Group meetings. It turns out they were practicing the Mikado. Disgraced former Enron CEO Ken Lay was to play Ko-Ko.\nJohn Edwards is Keyser Soze.\nWesley Clark changes his name to "Butch," because no terrorist would ever surrender to a president named "Wesley."\nHaving shut down all machines for 15 minutes to warn the world about atomic weapons, Dennis Kucinich and robot companion Gort climb back in their flying saucer and go home.\nThe night before the Democratic convention, Howard Dean shoots J.R. Ewing -- but it is all just a dream.\nOnce the victor wins, they find Dick Gephardt's picture in the White House presidential portrait gallery. After dropping out of the race, he went back in time to beat Eisenhower in the 1952 election, when union endorsements still mattered.\nSeriously, this stuff is exciting. Tonight, get some friends together, have a couple of beers (if of legal age) and watch the New Hampshire results come in -- as if you needed the excuse to drink on a weeknight.