Destroy the Purdue drum

The advantage of Purdue choking against Ohio State last week is that I can say things like: This week, Kyle "I look like a dirty hippie" Orton and Ben "Wide Left" Jones will try to rebound from gagging away a shot at the Big Ten title.\nThe disadvantage of Purdue choking against Ohio State last week is that it raises the probability of the Boilermakers laying a whooping the likes of which has never been seen on the Hoosiers this Saturday.\nOrton seems poised to have a field day if IU's defensive backs play as far off the line of scrimmage as they have for the majority of the season, as it would leave the table wide-open for Purdue's short pass attack.\nBut maybe it doesn't have to happen that way. It would be a shame to see the career of IU's defensive leader, Joe Gonzalez, end in a blowout.\nA fifth-year senior, Gonzalez has no chance at a bowl game. He has been on the field and on the sidelines for many a long, long game. But he brings something the freshman and sophomores that surround him defensively can take a lot from, and that's leadership.\nAfter losing to Penn State, Gonzalez said he was disappointed in himself as a leader. He shouldn't be. If the younger players pay any attention to what he has brought to the program, it will be quite apparent when they become seniors. And that's when it will pay dividends. But to go out with the Bucket would be a nice immediate return on that investment.\nSome don't like the odds of that happening for IU. My good friend and associate, Stanley Q. Studmuffin, is included in that crowd. So he has come up with an alternative plan that will send IU fans in a frenzy: the destruction of the "World's Largest Drum." Here is a copy of my not-so-exclusive interview.\nWhat is your issue with the drum?\n"I hate everything about it. The way they spin it, they way those guys prance up and down to hit it. I never thought that Purdue should have the world's biggest anything, besides dorks. So I've actually been plotting some way to hijack the drum over the years, but I just never had the means. After all, it is the biggest freakin' drum in the world, I couldn't just walk out of West Lafayette with it."\nHow do you plan on destroying it?\n"Easy. It's the simplicity of my plan that is so brilliant. I'm gonna wear a spiked helmet, charge onto the field, and jump through the drum."\nDon't you think that stadium security might pick up on, I don't know, a guy with a spiked helmet?\n"That's why there is a backup plan. I have an archer planted on the top of Assembly Hall. He'll fire at the drum if necessary."\nIsn't there some chance of the arrow going into the crowd?\n"Not an issue. It will mostly be Purdue fans, so chances are it won't hit anyone that matters."\nAnd if that doesn't work?\n"We have someone waiting with an Escalade outside the stadium. They will drive through the drum as it is being wheeled out of the stadium."\nWouldn't it be easier for IU to just make a bigger drum? We do have a world renowned music school.\n"Nah, each side would come up with a bigger drum each year. And it's not like they could store it in the School of Music. It would get stolen"