Smokers beware

In the oncoming swale of anti-smoking fervor that started in Bloomington a couple years ago, and threatens to culminate with the official beginning of tougher ordinances both on and off-campus, I wanted to reiterate to smokers across Bloomington one final time: be careful where you smoke -- it could be hazardous to your health.\nWhilst arriving at work a number of months ago, smokers and non-smokers alike were met at the doors of the office center building to find threatening messages pinned to the door. The message berated the smokers with language like, "After your first warning your name will be turned in to the Board of Directors who will forward your name to the city, where you will be investigated and fined as much as $100." I could imagine that the letter had been written by some bitter 30-something whose brow crinkled in anger as she vengefully typed out the official letter of warning to all employee smokers. The letter went on a whole page and a half outlining at length every inch of the parking lot -- drawing little circles of confinement where the enemy smokers could legally stand and puff without infringing on the rights of the other "good people" walking through the automobile-exhaust-filled, tar-infested parking lot air. Violators caught stepping outside the lines, flicking butts that miss the sand buckets placed at the center of each "smoking circle," or blowing smoke outside the circle boundaries, would be prosecuted (hunted down and shot).\nI began to imagine a scenario where sharpshooters would be placed atop all the major office buildings in Bloomington -- guns mounted, loaded and scoped, ready for any incident where the smoking ordinance was broken to "take out" the criminal/evil-doer. Or maybe they would use tranquilizers, simply tying up and dragging the offending lung-polluter to the nearest "Tobacco Enforcement Official."\nBeware as well, there will be no more smoking while in line at the ATM. All ATM machines now have added cameras tracking everyone in line to make sure they're not lighting up. I know that most ATMs are outside but, as you're aware, tobacco exhaust seeks out and attacks non-smokers -- especially the angry, bitter and ultra-sensitive ones who hate smoking and smokers. So, there will be no smoking at ATMs and many machines will be fitted with special anti-smoking gadgetry to assure this is so.\nIf a special anti-smoking ATM detects you smoking through its "smoke-detector receptors," a fine mist of pepper spray will shoot from the ATM card insert and take out the unsuspecting smoker whilst he or she attempts to bank. In some machines, pepper spray will be replaced by flammable acid.\nOn the IU campus, University staff and professors (and other radical student groups) have formed the "Fresh Shirts" -- a club that roams the outside of all University buildings with clubs, beating senseless anyone within the 30-foot regulated non-smoking area. (They can be recognized by their clean non-smoke-scented white shirts, black clubs and arm bands depicting a standing smoker with a line through him/her.) The 30-foot mark will be designated with a spray-painted red line and reoccurring skull and crossbones.\nMore than ever it is very apparent that smoking is very dangerous, indeed. We are heading down the road toward the outright outlawing of smoking anywhere. Kids are being taken away from smoking parents and pets may be next. So, smokers beware: the future looks grim whether you smoke alone or not.