Nominate this!

Lately, my Democratic friends seem listless, apathetic, demoralized. A great sadness has come over the tribe, and I believe it comes from disappointment with the nine Democratic presidential candidates. This is understandable, as the options range from unrealistic (Al Sharpton), to boring (Bob Graham), to difficult to spell (Dennis Kucinich). Perhaps Gen. Wesley Clark will throw his hat into the ring this week and reinvigorate the faithful, but perhaps not. Thus, I have taken it upon myself, in the spirit of fair play and humanitarianism, to suggest five new, more exciting Democratic candidates.\nTommy Chong (of Cheech & Chong): entrepreneur, entertainer, craftsman, convict. At the NAACP's annual convention in July, a discussion of restoring voting rights for felons created a competition between Al Sharpton and John Kerry. Sharpton claimed that he was the only candidate who had spent time in jail, but Kerry contradicted him, claiming that he too had been in jail (one night, after a Vietnam War protest) (Washington Post, July 15). Currently facing nine months in prison for manufacturing bongs, Tommy Chong could top both of them, yet still be out in time for the inauguration. Plus his claim to have beaten his marijuana problem through salsa dancing was far better than Clinton's "I didn't inhale." As Chong explained the power of salsa to U.S. District Judge Arthur J. Schwab: "It's a Latin American dance that's awesome," (The Associated Press, Thursday).\nLucky the Leprechaun: cereal spokes-elf. Lucky is independently wealthy and has been vocal on protectionist policies for years ("Can't get me Lucky Charms!"). He could face questions regarding his citizenship and the fact that he's fictional, although the latter has never been a weakness in American politics. Lucky would be the perfect running mate for Dick Gephardt, given that Gephardt's plan to provide universal health insurance and balance the federal budget will require magic and a huge pot o' gold. He could also bring Gephardt the endorsement of the Universal Brotherhood of Keebler Elves.\nTed Williams: baseball legend, fighter pilot, TV dinner. After dying and being cryogenically frozen, the political appeal of the Red Sox hall-of-famer has only increased. He's a particular challenge for John Kerry. He's from Massachusetts, like Kerry. He's an athlete, like Kerry. He has on-screen charm, like Kerry. He's a war hero, like Kerry. And he's cold and stiff, like Kerry.\nSaddam Hussein: bloodthirsty tyrant, successful novelist ("Zabibah and the King"). Granted, his lack of democratic values and tendency to murder anyone who gets in his way might alienate the party core … and the swing voters … and everyone else, but Saddam does bring a couple of cards to the table -- with his face on them, no less. He shares the only quality that the current candidates have in common: He despises George W. Bush. He is also a patron of the arts, notably paintings of busty women threatened by mythological beasts (New York Daily News, Apr. 15). And, after all, he was against the U.S. invasion of Iraq.\n Newt Gingrich: former politician, pundit, desperately seeking attention. Recently Dick Gephardt accused Howard Dean of supporting the changes to Medicare pushed by Gingrich in 1995 (Washington Post, Saturday). \nGiven Dean's growing popularity, this begs the question -- what if you put the real Newt on the ticket? He has been critical of the Bush administration -- that is, if the Department of State still counts (The New York Times, June 17). And his love affairs, most recently with Congressional aide Callista Bisek (now his third wife), practically make Newt a Kennedy (Washington Post, Dec. 18, 1999). Best of all, the GOP would never see it coming.