Smut-see TV

As war coverage on television dwindles, stations that once devoted time to extra coverage will have to find new and exciting shows to fill the gaps. It is important to all Americans that broadcast networks preserve the sanctity of television after coverage of Iraq flattens out. Just in case the networks have any trouble brainstorming topics for shows, I've got a few ideas that I think will be instant ratings-boosters.\n"Antiques Roadshow Iraq" -- Follow the plight of an antiques dealer in Baghdad trying to locate various antiquities stolen from the many palaces of Saddam Hussein. The dealer typically stands outside the palaces and waits to see what treasures the looters might bring. He then haggles with the looters in order to receive the best price. Unfortunately, the show can only span four episodes. The antique dealer gets a good deal on a gold and jewel-encrusted hookah and is promptly beaten to death with shoes by the hands of an unruly mob. This program would air at 6 p.m. daily on PBS.\n"Eight Simple Rules for Raping My Iraqi Teenage Daughter" -- A sitcom about Saddam's free-loving son Odai and his hilarious misadventures as he skulks around Baghdad looking to score before coalition forces arrive. I'm not quite sure what the eight simple rules are, but they're likely to be bypassed with a semi-automatic weapon. New episodes of this show are questionable because of the unknown whereabouts of Odai Hussein. Because of the graphic nature of this program, it will air Tuesdays at 3:30 pm on Nickelodeon and again at 9 a.m. on Saturday on Nick Jr. FCC violation suits pending.\n"Everybody Loves Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf" -- A heartwarming comedy about that kooky Iraqi Minister of Information who loves nothing more than standing behind 4,000 microphones and shouting "American television people, as usual, they always depend on a method I call … program syndication. All I ask is check your local listings. I can assure you that those villains and infidels of broadcasting will recognize good television." Once again, new episodes are pending because of the apparent disappearance of Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf. This sitcom would air intermittently during evening news broadcasts on NBC, ABC and CBS.\n"My Short Unpleasant Iraqi Life" -- Modeled after the success of the box office smash "My Short Unpleasant Iraqi Wedding," this show would revolve around the lives of Iraqi families coping with the struggles of the daily grind in downtown Baghdad. A different family would be featured on the show each week, starting with Ali Ismaeel Abbas and his family shortly before their home was annihilated during a bombing raid. This show would air at 8 p.m. Mondays on Fox.\n"SARS Search" -- Co-hosted by Arsenio Hall and Ed McMahon, this show would welcome guests from around the globe hoping to become the next rising "super-spreader" of the SARS disease. Winners would receive an all-expenses-paid trip to a small, quarantined island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Studio audience participation during SARS Search is greatly appreciated. This program would air at 9 p.m. Thursdays on ABC.\nWell, there you have it. I firmly believe these shows will adequately supplement the lack of programming soon to be faced by television stations. I hope you find these potential TV shows exciting. Look forward to some great mid-season television!