Singing prowess not about lung power

I wish I could sing. If there was a musical genie out there who would give me one musical wish, it would be to sing. After all, it seems to be the most natural musical talent.\nEither you can sing or you can't.\nThe recent ascension of Lucifer to the throne of singing, a.k.a. "American Idol's" Kelly Clarkson -- and by throne, I mean the dumper -- shows, though, that our standards for singing in pop music are completely out of whack.\nWhat was so funny about "American Idol" (besides judge Simon Cowell's scandalous, in-your-face rebukes) was the earnestness and self-delusional behavior of the contestants. We have officially become a society without much of a clue.\nI blame Barbra Streisand. While she might not be the hip standard of today's young singer, her overemoting and thin dynamics have inspired the parents of the Kelly Clarksons of the world. Streisand also equated singing with being a diva, and she hoodwinked people, through her charisma, into believing she had style and chops.\nIf Streisand is the queen of bad singing, Whitney Houston is the Duchess of Dork. Arista Records honcho Clive Davis totally removed her natural gospel vocal personality from her self-titled 1985 debut so she could have wider appeal. The presentation, as a result, was more pan-racial and tied directly to her lung power. It made her a superstar, but sadly, Whitney's drug use has not inspired a burst of creativity or independence like one might think.\nWhen she showed up looking dazed, out of it and dangerously thin at the Michael Jackson gala concert last year, all it inspired was public concern. As Jon Stewart said on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," "If it's a concert where Michael Jackson was present and everybody talks about how bad you looked, then there is something wrong."\nShe bequeathed her diva throne to Mariah Carey, who has also gone on to prove that oversinging and mental breakdowns will keep you in the public spotlight. She probably has even more vocal range than Houston, but just because you have the vocal range doesn't mean you have to use it.\nI could go on, but must you be told that Celine Dion and Michael Bolton are terrible? Add it all up, and Clarkson didn't know any better.\nIt's better to consider some good singers. Tony Bennett, Johnny Cash and Placido Domingo are all renowned singers even though their material is nothing alike. In fact, you need not be an expert in Bennett's jazz-pop croon, Cash's burnished country-grounded growl (his amazing cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" is a must-listen) or Domingo's operatic command to know these guys are good. Their skill is transcendent.\nThey show it's not about range or training but about personality, style and nuance.\nIn fact, so many people sing effectively without being multi-octave freaks. Lucinda Williams sounds like she always has a cold, but she always reveals a longing ache that comes right through the speakers. On "Sea Change," Beck finds his voice in 1970s-style singer-songwriter form. Neil Young's gentle tenor has served him well in everything from "Old Man" to "Razor Love" to rave-ups like "Like a Hurricane" to "Rockin' in the Free World." Lost in the still-bizarre adulation of his fans is Morrissey's skill in wrapping his voice around each syllable in his songs and revealing an articulate wit.\nMeanwhile, the current trend in singing seems to be verisimilitude supported by studio embellishment. "The Simpsons" lampooned the boy-band tradition by using a machine to make a group of five non-singers sound like an accomplished vocal group. Jennifer Lopez sounds like a Bronx Latina robot who needs to put out a single called "Jennie on the Memorex." As for Britney Spears, the next note she sings in concert may well be her first.\nThis started when we demanded that our favorite singers be all-purpose entertainers. After all, it seems like there are two kinds of singers -- those who have acted in a movie, and those who want to act in a movie. Then there are those who feel like they need to gyrate around wildly in ornate choreography with their backup dancers while singing. Not only did this become cliché a long time ago, but it became physically impossible. My advice: Sing or dance. Choose one.\nAnd teach me how to sing. I will use it for good, not evil.