Turn your television on

Television has gotten a bad rap. Often parents, professors and critics (like me) blame the old boob tube (or better yet, Joan Rivers) for a majority of the world's problems. \nSure, people are dumb, but this isn't a new concept. Just look at the first incarnation of man -- a bunch of Neanderthals scratching their hairy butts, drawing pictures of big-breasted women on cave walls (the equivalent to prehistoric television) and fighting amongst one another. Unfortunately, not a whole lot's changed -- just walk down Frat Row on a Friday or Saturday night. \nBut you can't honestly blame TV for our own sordid peculiarities. For many of us the television served as a third parent -- you had Mom, Dad and Sony. And while many of you have already blamed the 'rents for your numerous idiosyncrasies, don't go blaming the TV -- you'll just need to deal with the fact that you're a tweaked little wiener. Television has gotten worlds better since we were kids, and in many cases, it even supplants cinema in terms of sheer entertainment value nowadays. \nSure, theaters in Bloomington (and most certainly elsewhere) show a fair share of quality flicks, but nobody ever goes and sees them. "The Rules of Attraction," one of the year's best and most audacious films, played here for two weeks. "Igby Goes Down," a charming little indie with a startlingly good performance from Kieran Culkin, proving that the kid can do more than piss the bed à la "Home Alone." And what's he get for his efforts? Ignored during a week-long run in Bloomington.\n"I Am Trying To Break Your Heart," the new documentary about Wilco (one of today's best rock bands), was here for such a short period that I, the consummate movie (and to a lesser extent music) junkie, even missed it. And "Spirited Away," the new film from anime maestro Hayao Miyazaki, was released two weeks ago, but it remained unlisted from the show times until midway through last week.\nWhat are we doing with ourselves that we're too busy to take in culture beyond a six-pack and a Bruce Willis movie (though there's nothing wrong with that, either)? Sure, there's homework, social functions, extracurricular activities and other things of the like. But once you've completed all your homework, and there's nothing else to do, what then? If you've got seven bucks and two hours to spare, go see a movie. And not some hunk of crap like "Sweet Home Alabama" or "My Big Fat (Insert Ethnicity Here) Wedding," but something that's likely to challenge you and won't sugar-coat your already petrified brain, i.e. Paul Schrader's "Auto Focus," Brian De Palma's "Femme Fatale" or Curtis Hanson's "8 Mile."\nIf you don't have the cash, turn on the tube (it won't bite you) and watch something that's truly worthwhile. Avoid "Will and Grace" and other shows of its ilk like syphilis and watch something good. Watch "The Sopranos," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," The Mind of the Married Man," "Six Feet Under," "Boomtown," "The Shield," "24" or yes, even new episodes of "The Simpsons," which began airing last Sunday (and contrary to what your friends say or think, "The Simpsons" is still ingenious). All are good, quality shows that won't squash the remaining brain cells you haven't thrown about like confetti while at IU.\nSo, in summation, watch movies and TV in abundance. Just be certain that the entertainment you seek is truly worth your precious time. If you must succumb to the temptations of romantic comedy, go catch "Punch-Drunk Love." If you've already seen it, see it again. Or better yet, watch "Shipmates," the guilty-pleasure, ship-based, reality dating show in which romance occasionally blossoms (fleeting as it may be), but more often results in a Chuck Norris look-alike karate chopping his date off a dock.\nWhatever you do, don't see "Maid in Manhattan" hitting theaters this Christmas and starring J. Lo's bloated booty and a slumming Ralph Fiennes -- the trailer alone was enough to make me want to hang myself. And for those sadomasochists out there who must see this bile, do yourself a favor and get blitzed on spiked eggnog prior to entering the theater. \nIf you've got the scratch, subscribe to HBO (home of many of the aforementioned shows) and buy a TiVo (you'll actually watch less and much better television). And yes, it's also OK to occasionally pause your "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" game (if you don't have it, buy it, borrow it or, better yet, steal it), and catch some of the finest comedic nuggets TV has to offer, i.e. "South Park" (new episodes began yesterday), "Insomniac with Dave Attell," "Adult Swim" on the Cartoon Network, "The Bernie Mac Show," "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and Stu Scott-centered episodes of "SportsCenter."\nAll right folks, I'm stepping down from the pulpit. You can resume listening to your Christina Aguilera album or waiting in line for your tickets to "The Santa Clause 2" or re-watching your "Scorpion King" DVD for the third time this week or whatever the hell it was you were doing before reading this dreck. But just think: you were reading. This, my friends, is progress.