Columnists unite

Some people may complain that sports get boring when they see the Lakers, Yankees or Red Wings play for the championship every year.\nChange is good after all. Often times, these people mean no ill will; they just want to see somebody different. Often times, they do. ("Shaq travels or commits a foul every time he gets the ball." To which I say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.")\nIf we are willing to address change in the outcome of competition, then we sports columnists need to change the impression of the way we live, breathe and interpret sports.\nWhat got me on this subject? That's right, "Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter."\nThis new ABC sitcom features John Ritter as Paul Hennessy, a sports columnist who has trouble relating to his teenage daughters.\nSample dialogue:\nRitter: "What were you wearing the other day?"\nDaughter: "A thong." \nRitter: "No, that is called floss."\n(Applause. Laugh track.)\nI think I am with you when I say, "Oh, jeez."\nSports columnists have always appeared in sitcoms in movies as disheveled, blue-collar blowhards who know nothing about how the world works except for the intricacies of the nickel defense and the suicide squeeze bunt. (Not even a sports columnist can explain the zone trap in hockey.)\nDo you know what? A lot of times, we deserve it.\nReal-life sports columnists love to make petty judgments in order to appear in the right. Celebrations after touchdowns are bad. "Act like you've been there before," they say. Bad players are bad human beings. "Get that bum out of town. I'll drive him to the airport myself."\nWhat you often don't read are proactive solutions to problems. Sports columnists don't often write, "Well, they need to release this guy, trade this prospect for a veteran who can help now, hire a new coach/manager, and here's how they can do it and keep their payroll reasonable."\nInstead they write, "He's hitting .220 and making $5 million a year. He stinks." No kidding.\nAs a result, it has been easy for Hollywood to get their talons on the concept of a sports columnist, and they have gone about feeding us with the same stereotype over and over.\nBob Uecker played hardheaded sports columnist George Owens on "Mr. Belvedere." His teenage daughter Heather would always chafe him by joking that she's pregnant. He and Mr. Belvedere often argued, and in the end, ol' Belvy would bring some wisdom, so George and everybody else could learn their lesson.\nRay Romano plays sportswriter Ray Barone on the successful sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond." He is sort of slovenly and rumpled with a saintly wife. His relationship with his kids is awkward.\nTony Danza played sportswriter Tony DiMeo on "The Tony Danza Show." He had two teenage daughters he had trouble controlling. Hmmm, Tony Danza … teenage daughters growing up too … fast. That's original.\nLast but not least, when one thinks of sports columnist portrayals in Hollywood, "The Odd Couple" is always mentioned. Played by Walter Matthau in the 1968 film and Jack Klugman in the 1970-1975 television sitcom, Oscar Madison was a slob who was separated from his wife. Paired with neatnik photographer Felix Unger in the same apartment, hilarity ensued.\nLet's move on, shall we? Sports columnists have been grist for the stereotype mill too long. We need to become renaissance people.\nI think Dick Schaap is a perfect example. Schaap, who died last December, was a voter for both the Tony Awards on Broadway and the Heisman Trophy at the same time. He knew head coaches and heads of state. His constant name-dropping could get a bit obnoxious at times, but he meant well. His mentor was Jimmy Breslin, who was not a sportswriter, and he worked in the same newspaper office with Tom Wolfe. He worked in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines, and he wrote more than 30 books, covering AIDS and Robert F. Kennedy as well as George Steinbrenner and Bo Jackson.\nFrank Deford has written for Sports Illustrated on and off for 40 years, and he's written 13 books, including Everybody's All-American and Alex: The Life of a Child, both of which have been made into movies. Alex was a memoir about his daughter's death due to cystic fibrosis, and he has since raised millions to cure cystic fibrosis.\nSo sports columnists are not that one-dimensional. Not all of us are unkempt -- Deford is known for wearing Armani suits. Some of us don't even have children, and after many chats with my friend Sarah Meinecke, I am convinced that sports columnists are not all men either.\nSo let's see if Hollywood notices the change. Now about the suicide squeeze bunt …