Football heaven

I've seen Camp Randall Stadium. In a word, it's unbelievable. It's old, a little dirty and dingy, but it's football heaven. \nBut, I'm not going, simply because I don't want to drive a billion hours to watch IU stumble over its own feet and get pummeled by the Badgers. I'm hoping the soothing voice of Don Fischer and the IU radio network will suffice, making the beating sound less disheartening. \nThe last -- and only -- time I visited Camp Randall, I was covering Ball State. The Badgers plucked the Cardinals, scoring 50-some points. I didn't care, and I'm not sure Ball State's players did, either. The trip was worth it. \nDuring the course of that visit, I strolled through the bright red endzones, snapped pictures of UW Fieldhouse, which overlooks the field, and marveled over the double-deckered seats full of red, white and drunk Badger fans. \nIf you think Memorial Stadium offers any sort of college football experience, you haven't seen anything compared to Camp Randall. \nLet me offer a comparison. \n• UW has 76,129. Every game. IU has 48,511 fans. Once a season. Half of whom are Ohio State fans. Under normal circumstances, it takes IU at least two games to draw 76,129 fans.\n• Camp Randall's press box shakes when the Badgers get a first down. Memorial Stadium's press box shakes during the halftime rush for hot chocolate and a doughnut. And then again when the game is over and writers, disgusted with the Hoosiers' attempts at trying to beat Utah, want to run as far away from IU -- and as close to a cold beer -- as humanly possible.\n• The UW student body shouts obscenities from one section to the next. "(Expletive) you" and "Eat (expletive)" bounce from section to section. IU's student section, which numbers 37, tells the Hoosiers to "Eat (expletive)." \n• UW students get drunk to enjoy the fun and festivities. IU's students get drunk so they can stomach IU losing to teams like Utah. \n• UW officials had to put up a tarp over the tunnel where the opposing teams run onto the field because the student body often spat on and threw things at the Badgers' unwelcome counterparts. IU officials have to figure out how to deal with the 13 people who "Booo" when IU's foes take the field.\n• UW fans walk from blocks and blocks to watch games, since parking around Camp Randall is basically non-existent. IU fills up its billion acres of parking space once every two seasons. Against Ohio State. \n• Officials block off the streets around Camp Randall before, during and after the Badger games as fans tailgate wherever they can find space. Thirty minutes before IU games, there are 34 cars in the west parking lost at Memorial Stadium. \n• The Badgers' mascot, "Bucky Badger," beats up opposing mascots by coaxing a UW cheerleader to help. Bucky and the cheerleader each grab a leg, run toward a goalpost and run the mascot's crotch straight into the post. IU's two big, dumb, goofy "Hoosiermen" plod around Memorial Stadium falling over each other and themselves. \n• Nearly all 76,129 Badger fans stay after the game to watch the "Fifth Quarter," in which the band plays and the post-game celebration begins. Nine IU fans stay to watch seven little nine-year-olds sneak onto the field to play two-hand touch on the sidelines. \nI only wish Memorial Stadium had something like that to offer. But, even after reliving Camp Randall and all its glory, I'm still set on not seeing the Hoosiers become the latest of the Badgers sacrificial lamb. Instead, I'll sit on a couch, watch some good games, listen to IU's and hope the Hoosiers don't get spit on. \nI hope they win. I hope I wish I went.