MTV embraces elves and man-on-man kiss

The original idea for this story was to discuss tonight's MTV "Movie Awards," and I would pick the winners and tell you why all the nominees were horrible choices anyway. Well, I went on MTV.com to find out who the nominees are. Not only did they list the nominees, but they also named the winners. Since the award show is taped, (Why? The music awards aren't) the stars have already given their acceptance speeches and taken home their golden popcorn. So I will be talking about who the winners are. If you want to be surprised without spoilers, then read the column right above mine, and save this one until later. But since MTV has already announced the winners on their Web site, they really don't care if you are surprised or not and I don't care either.\nBest Villain\nThe nominees included Aaliyah, Christopher Lee, Tim Roth, Denzel Washington and Zhang Ziyi. So three-fifths of the nominees came from amazing movies like "Queen of the Damned," "Planet of the Apes," and "Rush Hour 2." Very high quality films. Oh wait, no they're not. So the obvious choice is Denzel because he won the "Oscar" and because he was so out of character. Along with that, he's in the age bracket to win an MTV award, unlike Lee who got a senior citizen's discount to his own "Lord of the Rings" premiere. Truth be told, Lee was amazing, and he was equally great in his "Episode II" evil Count Dooku role. Denzel's worthy of the award...but not as worthy as Josh Hartnett in "O." It's a shame he didn't even get nominated for this award, especially since Hartnett is the perfect MTV actor.\nBest Comedic Performance\nSince Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler didn't do a comedy this last year, the nominees all have an equal shot. And by equal shot I mean that Reese Witherspoon won. What the hell? I have no idea why people felt that "Legally Blonde" was such a great film. It's one of the least funny movies I have ever seen, and that includes "Platoon." I like Reese Witherspoon, but to win out over every funny actor in any film this last year is just asinine. True, not too many funny films were released this past year, but come on, "Legally Blonde?" At least Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson were funny in "Zoolander," but they weren't nominated for it or "The Royal Tenebaums" either. And for some reason that great film had no nominations at all. At least next year Sandler will have a chance to do another amazing acceptance speech because there's no way a Witherspoon project will be up to par with Sandler's "Child co-star written"- one or Carrey's Jim Morrison impression.\nBest Kiss\nThe one way to win this award is to have a same-sex kiss. So obviously the Jason Biggs/Seann William Scott kiss in "American Pie 2" will outdo any kiss involving a male and a female. And honestly, this kiss was pretty funny because men kissing each other can be funny, while girls kissing girls is just hot. The exception this year is girl-on-girl action from "Not Another Teen Movie" wich included a sexy teen spoofing the "Cruel Intentions" kiss with a very old woman. \nBest Breakthrough Male\nDMX, Orlando Bloom, Daniel Radcliffe, Colin Hanks and Paul Walker. This could have almost been a contest, if it wasn't for Bloom's bow and arrow wielding elf badass in "Lord of the Rings." As good as everyone else was in this film, Bloom was amazing. I don't know if it's him as an actor or just the character, but he will go down in history as being the coolest guy with a bow, ever. Yes, cooler than Kevin Costner in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," and cooler than Cary Elwes in "Robin Hood: Men in Tights." So I guess those might be the only three, but Bloom could outshoot and outgroove both of them. \nBest Movie\n"Black Hawk Down," "Legally Blonde," "Shrek," "Lord of the Rings" and "The Fast and the Furious." Was 2001 that bad of a year for movies? I didn't think so. "LOTR" is the easy winner, but "Shrek" probably gave it a good contest. I know that MTV likes to give awards to movies that really don't get awards, but seriously, three of those films shouldn't be in a Best Movie list ever. Other than "Legally Blonde," all the movies are pretty good. But to be nominated for the best movie category when movies like "Ocean's 11," "Memento," "Moulin Rouge" and the best film of last year, the unknown "Wet Hot American Summer," weren't nominated, these movies should have been left on the shelves.\nNow, I like the concept of the MTV Movie Awards, but of course I'm going to disagree with their nominations. I am a film columnist right? But let's get one thing straight; the award show isn't ever really about the awards. It's about Hollywood stars and what they are wearing, hilarious spoofs of this year's films and acceptance speeches that don't include a five minute cry-fest while the orchestra plays them off the stage before he or she thanks their lawyer. So either way, enjoy the show, with or without knowing the winners, because there's always Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar in hopefully funny and possibly sexy situations.