Jason X - R\nStarring: Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Peter Mensah\nDirected by: James Isaac\nShowing: Showplace East 11\nThere are few things that can save a movie like "Jason X" from its inevitable and much-deserved banishment to the third ring of video hell. In fact, I wish the flick's "beloved" anti-hero Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) would high-tail it back to the cursed nether regions to which he was doomed in the last installment of the insipid "Friday the 13th" series -- "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday."\nLiquor and smart-alecky chicanery are about the only things that will enhance an unfortunate viewers' pleasure while watching this dreck. Every time one of the film's moronic characters has sex…or in the case of "Jason X," engages in some sort of weird nipple fetish, take a shot. Or later when another dumbass stumbles into a darkly lit room uttering the name of someone that they, you and I know is dead, drink a beer. And yes, when Jason finally gets around to dismembering air-headed co-eds, do both. You might get drunk, and in all likelihood you'll get sick, but that's far better than observing this dung heap. \nI only wish that while watching this monstrosity I had been accompanied by "Mystery Science Theater 3000" staples Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow -- or better yet left in a theater by myself to mock and ridicule the film openly, loudly and honestly without fear of disturbing my fellow theater patrons. Who am I kidding, they wouldn't have cared, and if they did care, they'd be idiots. "Jason X" sucks like few movies have sucked before!\nOh yeah, I've forgotten to address the plot in all my cheerful nay saying. The movie begins in 2010 when preparations are being made by a nubile young scientist named Rowan (Lexa Doig) to cryogenically freeze unstoppable killing machine Jason Voorhees. Suffice it to say, things don't exactly go as planned and Rowan is stabbed and eventually frozen alongside everyone's favorite hockey-masked maniac for her troubles. Flash forward to 2455 when a spaceship from -- get this -- Earth II, ascends upon Camp Crystal Lake Research Facility, retrieves the two Popsicle-esque bodies, de-thaws them and do I really need to tell you where the film is going to proceed from here? I think not.\n"Jason X" may be the crappiest horror flick ever transplanted into space, and yes, ladies and gentlemen, sadly enough, I've seen "Leprechaun 4: In Space." The special effects are bad enough to make the "technical wizards" behind "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" blush, the script seems like it was assembled by a team of apes and the direction calls out for the name of Alan Smithee. I'll put a hex on "Jason X." \n
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