'Celebrity Boxing 2:' There are no winners here

This past Wednesday, the good folks over at the Fox Network aired the second installment of their latest "enthralling" shock TV stunt, "Celebrity Boxing II."\nUnlike the first gamut of pseudo-celebrity bashing, which sucked mildly but still managed to eek out a few moments of hilarity, "Celebrity Boxing II" completely blew.\nThis program will become the TV equivalent to Darva Conger's marriage -- short, ugly and chock full of money-grubbing whores. \nSpeaking of Conger, she fought in the first bout of the night. Battling Conger was former Olympic gymnast and alleged shoplifter Olga "Olia" Korbut. Suffice it to say, the fight was crap. Korbut stands all of 5'0 feet and weighs a smidgen over 100 pounds, whereas Conger weighs in around 114 (LIAR!) and towers over the diminutive Korbut at 5'5. Conger smacked the crap out of Korbut in hopes of retaining her 15 minutes of fame. Honey, Kato Kaelin called and has but a single word for you -- subtlety. Yet after starring on Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire," I'm sure the concept would seem foreign to you.\nThe second bout of the evening was no less of a joke. It pitted resident TV dorks "Welcome Back Kotter's" Ron "The Pulverizer" Palillo, aka Horshack, against Saved by the Bell's Dustin "Screech" Diamond in a clash of the geeks. Never mind that Diamond is 23 years Palillo's junior, stands five inches taller and weighs in excess of 50 pounds more than his opponent. The best aspect of this crappy bout happened before the fight even began when ring announcer and "Best Damn Sports Show Period" commentator Chris Rose listed one of Diamond's credits as a self-help video entitled "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess." Now that's entertainment ladies and gentleman. What a dork! Another amusing aspect of this "brawl" was the fact that Palillo has recently taken to penning children's books, and yet he looked as though he was likely to shoot Diamond in the parking lot following the younger geek's victory. \nScreech should have fought Urkel, because as you, I and Carl Winslow all know, he would've given our white man afro-sporting buddy a beating that not even Mr. Belding and Ms. Bliss combined could heal. That and Urkel probably would've stolen his girl, i.e. Lisa, with his alter ego Stephan's smooth pimping skills following the trouncing. \nThe third match of the evening saw former Chicago Bears great William "The Refrigerator" Perry and malnourished, hella tall, former b-baller Manute "The Sudanese Freedom Fighter" Bol supposedly fighting. The two barely struck one another. Conger and Korbut could've kicked the crap out of these two the way they were fighting. Hand to God, only two shots were landed the entire fight, both from Bol's freakishly long, pencil thin arms. It seemed as though The Fridge was worried about over-exerting himself and having a heart attack (fair enough, he broke the scale during weigh-in), and Bol was frightened by the prospect of one of his limbs snapping in half. The match was so pathetic that the Judge Mills Lane knockoff of a referee had to tell the men to "fight or else they wouldn't be paid." Pathetic. Both of these dudes are losers despite Bol's victory.\nThe evening's main event was its high point. The match pitted Joey "The Gladiator" Buttafuoco against former WWE (yes kiddos, that's what they're calling the sham sporting league these days) lady wrestler Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer. Oddly enough, the Italian Stallion was originally supposed to brawl with penis-less wonder John Bobbitt. However, Bobbitt was removed from the bout after allegedly smacking his new bride around, and was ironically replaced with a woman -- leave it to the marketing geniuses at Fox.\nThe crowd booed and hissed as Buttafuoco thrashed Chyna across the ring. At one point during the fight Buttafuoco threw Chyna to the mat in hilarious fashion. Yes, I know men hitting women isn't cool, but the chick has more testosterone than me. Who won? Who cares?\n"Celebrity Boxing II" sucked in the worst way possible. It was derivative, uninspired and just plain boring. Fox has single-handedly managed to take the sensation out of sensationalistic television. Where is the Baldwin Brothers no-holds-barred cage match, the Webster versus Gary Coleman micro-brawl or even Creed's Scott Stapp laying his "God-like" smack down on Fred "Nookie" Durst? Personally I'd like to see Fox megalomaniac Rupert Murdock don gloves against Ted Turner. Come on Rupie, put your butt where your cash is. Wait, apparently you already have.