'Snooping' Snoop just doesn't work

Bones - R\nStarring: Snoop Dogg, Pam Grier\nDirected by: Ernest Dickerson\nOne downfall of the otherwise tremendous DVD format is that you might more inclined to view films that you would too embarrassed to catch at the theater, and with better sound and picture no less. \n"Bones" is one such film. It's a flick that I'd held some hope for, after all it stars the Doggfather himself, but this urban horror blunder isn't worth the celluloid it's printed on.\nSnoop stars as Jimmy Bones, a pimp-tastic '70s street hustler with a heart of gold. Bones, being the upstanding dude he was, attempts to foil the convoluted plot of a bunch of third-rate pushers and a crooked cop who want to inundate his hood with a massive "crack rock candy mountain." And what does a brother get for his good deeds?... Stabbed... a lot. \nIn some films, namely those that are more expertly made, this would be the flick's conclusion, but Snoop can't go down like a little punk. Thus he's resurrected as a whack suit-wearing demonic ghost-like figure who slays his attackers and randy, drug-addled teenagers with equal aplomb. Snoop in full-on Freddy Krueger regalia failed to scare me. However, the prospect of more rappers filling the claws of monsters in imminent inanely conceived horror flicks is enough to spur some fear-induced trouser-wettings. Imagine if you will: Lil' Bow-Wow dollin' it up as Chucky, Busta Rhymes swilling chianti as Hannibal Lecter or Eminem swinging the axe of either Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees. Scary huh? \nThere wasn't a single redeeming quality about this disc. The commentary featuring gifted cinematographer-turned-hack-director Ernest Dickerson, screenwriter Adam Simon (the man responsible for "Carnosaur"!) and Snoop Dogg could put an insomniac to sleep. Snoop spends a majority of his scant voice-over singing the praises of his co-star and former Blaxploitation queen Pam Grier. One might think he'd want to give her the "Snoop Bounce." The picture and the sound are lacking by industry standards, and the film itself, as previously mentioned, sucks.\nSnoop, while being incredibly charasmatic, cannot elevate this crap beyond its tired ghettofied horror cliches. "Bones," along with his other recent effort "The Wash," clearly show that he needs to be a whole helluva lot more discriminating when choosing future feature film roles. Audiences need not throw this Dogg a bone -- this flick is dead on arrival.\n

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