Grandmothers can pimp, too

This weekend, Bloomington met my family.\n I would like to use the next 500 words to apologize.\nOK, it wasn't quite that bad. It was just a nice little visit by my mom, her mom and her mom. Four generations of insanity all in one place.\nThey arrived on Saturday night at about 6 p.m. and were very well-behaved on my floor. I was proud of them. "Very well-behaved" means not doing anything that would permanently damage my emotional stability. Like showing pictures of me as a little boy in my tap dance outfits, all of which were equipped with a lovely pink sash, to the people on my floor. That didn't happen. I was thrilled.\nAfter that, we went to Pizza Hut. Everything was going along smoothly until my mother decided to try to set me up with the waitress. This isn't the first time this has happened. In fact, this happens just about every time we go to a restaurant and are served by a female waitress about my age. I've come to the realization that my mother obviously has no confidence whatsoever in my ability to get a date on my own.\nActually, what it really comes down to is her insatiable desire to have grandchildren as soon as possible. If I was a girl, I guarantee my mother would be sending me brochures from sperm banks.\nAnyway, by the time we were getting ready to leave, my family had already pulled enough information out of the waitress to make a KGB agent proud. Deciding the girl was suitable, my great-grandmother shouted my phone number to her as we exited the Pizza Hut. Yes, I'm that pitiful. My 85-year-old grandmother does my pimping for me.\nWe next headed to the hotel they were staying at to have our usual game of Scrabble. It's Saturday night, and I'm sitting in a hotel room getting beaten badly in Scrabble by my mom and grandma. At least I'm beating the 85-year-old. There's something to brag about. A journalism major with an English second-concentration barely defeating an elderly but extremely young-looking woman who never attended college.\nThe next day was the Hoops for Hope Basketball Tournament I was competing in. The first game was a blowout, so my two single grandmothers decided to spend their time more wisely than rooting for a lost cause. So, they knitted. Not really. Actually, I later found out from my mother that they were checking out the shirtless guys playing against us. Let that be a warning to all future shirtless basketball players: My two available grandmothers could very well be checking you out.\n The second game was much closer, and thus, my family rooted for us while checking out the shirtless guys we were playing against. They really got into that second game. My mom was egging me on, my grandma was yelling at the refs, my great-grandma was coming up with cute nicknames for my teammates. Our team could feel the support.\nWe ended up losing in the second overtime, but before leaving my mom and great-grandma insisted on giving a hug to the players on my team who looked a little downtrodden. They probably wanted to give hugs to the shirtless guys on the other team too, but I was proud of them -- they resisted.