'The Musketeer' shoots blanks

The Musketeer" is the most recent in a long line of renditions of Alexandre Dumas' literary classic, "The Three Musketeers," and comes in the form of this stilted yet mildly entertaining flick.\nFormer model Justin Chambers headlines the flick as D'Artagnan, a young wannabe Musketeer who has the insatiable urge to avenge his parents' deaths by murdering their assailant, a nefarious villain by the name of Febre (Tim Roth sans monkey make-up). \nFebre is currently under the employ of the equally evil Cardinal Richelieu ("Crying Game" star Stephen Rea). Together the two are collaborating to overthrow the King in hopes that France will soon be under the reign of the Catholic Church. Their quest to do so has been uncontested up to this point, seeing as how the King's personal guard and army, the Musketeers, have long since been disbanded.\nThe story, which is essentially the same as previous efforts, is pretty weak. The only thing that's worse than it's hodgepodge of a narrative is the even more excruciating dialogue. Screenwriter Gene Quintano, the "brilliant" scribe behind such masterworks as the third and fourth "Police Academy" outings and the Jean-Claude Van Damme hockey epic "Sudden Death," should be relegated to obscurity along the lines of former collaborator Steve Guttenberg. \nDirector and cinematographer Peter Hyams is not much better. While it is impressive that Hyams is pulling double duty with this film, it doesn't necessarily help matters. The action sequences, which should be this film's trump card, are a tad muddled. Shots are entirely too tight and choppily edited for viewers to even realize what is going on. Hyams, veteran director of the aforementioned Van Damme masterpiece and the Schwarzenegger mishap "End of Days," really had no business tackling a film of this scope and potential.\nThe film's acting for the most part is also pretty third rate. Chambers should stick to modeling, his performance as the presumably impassioned D'Artagnan is wooden and vacant. It's as though he's posturing during the entire movie. Faring even worse is Mena Suvari as D'Artagnan's love interest -- she does her valley girl shtick during this period piece. It's as though she stumbled into this mess after a long bender on the "American Pie 2" set.\nThe film's primary saving grace comes in the form of the ever-dependable Tim Roth. His performance as the malicious stock baddie with a more thoroughly ingrained malevolent streak must be seen to be believed. The action choreography of Hong Kong legend Xin Xin Xiong ("Once Upon a Time in America") also fares particularly well. Aside from these two class acts the film has the feel of a direct-to-video venture, which ironically is where I'd suggest you look for this low-grade actioneer.