Is Bush the true American President?

Did you think I had forgotten about you, George? It's our hundred-day anniversary. \nAfter spending your first few weeks in office mining the newspapers for a definitive answer to the question, "What exactly is compassionate conservatism?" I decided to let you have your first hundred days to yourself. What the heck -- how much damage can the Return of Bush do?\nWas I naive, or what? \nAt this point, I have one question:\nHave we finally elected the true American President?\nLast week, President Bush told The New York Times that he hoped expectations for his presidency were low. Of course, he said with a nod and wink -- and a clap on the back -- and while he was at it, he called the reporter "quick Eddy," as is his nicknaming wont.\nWhen he isn't busy lowering the presidential bar, our George likes to spend his time picking fights with Cold War enemies. Poor Russia! No one told the president that they're feeding their army dog food, so when it came out that a long-time U.S. intelligence employee was actually a double agent, Bush behaved as if there was still that old-fashioned "Soviet threat." Alas, Russia just wheezed out a pitiful protest and rolled over. \nNot one to let global modernization and democratization keep him from throwing sand in a powerful country's eyes, the president recently threatened China with a "Good Morning, America" interview trumpeting something of a new policy statement. To sum up, he told Charlie Gibson that, oh yeah, we're gung ho about defending Taiwan with lots of scary soldiers, ships and bombs. \nIt took a massive effort on the part of the vice president, Dick "Heart Flutter" Cheney, to convince China we aren't involved in an Australian troop build-up. Nevertheless, the Chinese aren't at all happy with us and console themselves with a version of the Nano Baby that offers the owner a chance to raise his very own Giga George. \nOn the domestic front, President Nano Baby has been working hard to lower environmental standards, ensure that children spend more time working on standardized tests and send some of your tax dollars to his wealthy friends in Kennebunkport, Maine. \nBut seriously, folks, the president's budget is a hoot and a holler. It's the package we've all been waiting for! The amazing $1.6 trillion tax cut that was good when times were good, and is great when times are bad. \n(Shhhh! Don't tell the president that Indiana's massive tax cut is part of the reason this state is facing a half billion dollar difference between what we need and what we got.)\nFunny! I thought we were going to give seniors a prescription drug benefit and shore up social security. As for the latter, while this administration is frittering away a surplus that may not materialize, the most they've done to fix the nation's foundering retirement plan is think about appointing a commission that might make a report later this year.\nNo pressure. \nAl Gore, where is that lock-box when we need it?\nAnd on the environmental front, the president and his Environmental Protection Agency director, Christine Todd Whitman, have had a ball with repeat performances of the following skit:\nWhitman: Members of the press, I want you to know that the president is serious about protecting trees, water and the ozone.\nPrez: Psst … Christie … lay off … We decided that was too expensive.\nWhitman: (sighs) Members of the press, what the president meant to say is …\nMeanwhile, the president wants you to know that none of this activity has proved overly strenuous. By largely ignoring the California power struggle, he manages to preserve (or, as he likes to say, "persevere") his precious afternoon siesta. \nSiesta! That's a Spanish word, and boy can the president speak Spanish. So much so that his staff openly admits that he prefers meeting with foreign leaders from Mexico, South America and Latin America. I'm going to send some Spanish instruction tapes to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. That way, he'll have a better chance of getting an appointment with Il Presidente.