The real Inauguration story

Don't worry. Despite all the inauguration schmaltz, I'm on the real story. All the glitz and glamour can't hide the scandal that will rock this seemingly smooth transition of power.\nFormer President Bill Clinton is leaving Socks the Cat in Washington.\nThis is distressing, since this little kitten has been with the former first family since day one of the 42nd president's White House years. \nFortunately for Socks, he will be staying with Bettie Currie, the president's secretary. You remember Currie? She's the enabler who returned Monica's gifts and generally tried to lend the affair an air of discretion. She's the same one who looked so desperate as she clutched at her purse and tried to wedge herself through the paparazzi after testifying in front of the Starr grand jury.\nWell, it looks like Currie is once again cleaning up after Clinton. Socks, without a primary caretaker since Clinton's daughter Chelsea left for Stanford, will be left behind in Washington at the Currie residence. The president's former staff is insistent that nothing is amiss, saying of Currie, "She loves the cat. She wants the cat."\nA parting gift for a trusted secretary?\nRight.\nTell that to Socks, who had to watch Clinton fly away to New York with his chocolate lab, Buddy. Brought into the family during the impeachment scandal, Buddy is thought to have improved the president's image and briefly deflected the attention of reporters.\nAnd what does Socks get for his eight years of loyalty? Sticking with the Clintons through Whitewater, Travelgate and the impeachment? A scratch on the neck? A couple of treats before being scuttled off to his new home? I ask you, is the security of living with the former president and his Secret Service retinue too much to ask?\nIt gets worse. The Socks the Cat Fan Club Newsletter reports "insiders say Socks has been an emotional wreck ever since the Clintons adopted Buddy the dog." In an interview with Socks, published in the same journal, the poor kitty seemed to think he would be moving to New York with the Clintons. "I should expect to move on Wednesday, Jan. 17, just before the Jan. 20 Inauguration."\nWill the lies never end?\nConcerned Reader: "What are you talking about?"\nIntrepid Columnist: "Excuse me?"\nReader: "You have been following this election for more than 15 months! The 43rd president was just elected, and all you can write about is the Clinton's abandoned cat. Aren't there policy issues you should be following, cabinet nominations to dissect and inaugural speeches to tear apart?"\nColumnist: "Um ... I saw Lynne Cheney roll her eyes during the swearing-in ceremony. Several times, in fact. I thought it was very tacky." \nReader: "No, I mean important things."\nColumnist: "Then, when the pastor who gave the benediction asked God to bless the departing president with 'Civil Success,' I saw Bill Clinton silently mouth an 'amen.'"\nReader: "Is this all you've got? Rolling eyes, an 'amen' and a cat?"\nColumnist: "Look! This was not a very exciting inauguration. It rained on President George W. Bush while he watched the parade. Elizabeth Dole looked like an astronaut in her poncho. Lynne Cheney wore a fur-collared coat, which I thought was crass."\nReader: "What about the protesters?"\nColumnist: "Well ... Anna Galland, a student from Illinois, was in Washington to protest the inauguration. According to The New York Times, she was 'carrying several different placards this morning and had not decided which one to raise during the inauguration parade.' She told a reporter that, 'It's sort of an inchoate feeling.'"\nReader: "What? 'Inchoate?' Where's the passion? The excitement?"\nColumnist: "I told you. It was raining." \nReader: "But we just inaugurated a president! This is supposed to be one of those big deals that pulls us all together. There should be buzz. About politics. Ideas. This transition of leadership should have inspired us to get involved, get interested. We should be excited about democracy, whether we're celebrating the inauguration or protesting it. Our ceremonies should be filled with meaning. That's what makes a country! Its shared ideals and its passionately debated disagreements, all embodied in national pageantry. This should mean something!"\nColumnist: "But what about Socks?"\nReader: "Argh"