Opening the mailbag

It has been a little more than a year since I started writing this thing. In this time I have acquired quite a bit of mail. Since this is more or less my one-year column-writing anniversary, I'd like to acknowledge some of you loyal fans, and those of you nonfans -- whom I can only describe as player haters.\nTo protect the anonymity of the mail writers, some of the questions and letters below are made up, while others are real.\nWriting about fraternities is always a good way to get some reader response. Here are a few letters I received after I bashed a frat in a column:\n"Hey Chris, you're an idiot. It is so not fair to say all frat guys act alike. P.S. Dave Matthews rules."\nHe has a good point. Here's one I got from a different frat boy.\n"Hey Chris, you're an idiot. It is so not fair to say all frat guys act alike. P.S. Dave Matthews rules."\nWow, these guys are right on the money. Let's look at one more.\n"Hey Chris, you're an idiot. It is so not fair to say all frat guys act alike. P.S. Dave Matthews rules." \nI guess that puts me in my place, eh?\nMost of you who write in ask questions. This is a good opportunity to answer them. So here are a few of the most asked, and most interesting, of them.\nQ. What's wrong with you?\nA: I'm not sure. I think it has something to do with pork rinds.\nQ. Do you realize the entire campus thinks you suck?\nA: Yeah, but I'm big in Germany.\nQ. Hey, Mr. Funnyman, do you think you're funny?\nA: Uh, no, I guess not. Knock knock -- never mind.\nQ. Hey, did I see you the other night, drunk, streaking down Kirkwood?\nA: Nah, I'd never run naked down Kirkwood. That street has enough potholes as it is …\nQ. What exactly do you plan to do with a diploma in history?\nA: Tie it to a rock and throw it at people who ask stupid questions.\nQ. Isn't your column really just a step or two above playground name calling? Do you realize that by engaging in this type of rhetoric you contribute to the dumbing down of America you so claim to despise?\nA: Yeah? Well, you suck, hippie.\nQ. Do your columns ever contain hidden messages?\nA: Basically, only when dorks overtly write notes to our meager editors does this sort of thing come up. Columns, however readers interpret such issues, seldom style anything to add new and hidden messages.\nOn occasion, I develop groupies. Well, sort of.\n"Hey Chris, me and my roommates think you are hilarious. If you weren't so brutally unattractive we might even consider dating you."\nMy Answer: Stop it. I'm blushing. Besides, I'm engaged. And Maria says she plans to stay married to me even after we've met and she gains her citizenship. So there.\nEvery now and then there's a mix-up in the mailroom and I get the Sexpert's mail.\nQ: Me and my wife were having sex the other day. She stands on one leg, shakes a tambourine and licks me while I masturbate and swing wildly at a pinata shaped like America. What I want to know is -- how can I keep the monkey from hitting her over the head with his banjo? Signed, George "V" Bush \nA: Well, Mr. Bush, I would suggest running for president. That way the Secret Service can wrestle your monkey to the ground before he can do any serious damage. \nI'd like to thank everyone for writing in. I'm a bit of a hate mail junkie, so if you really despise me, by all means, let me know. Just remember, I'm a person, too, even if I'm not very good at it.