A pitiful rallying call

Millions of Americans are asking the same question: When will this campaign be over?\nAs much as I'm supposed to enjoy all of this politicing, I sympathize. How much more can we read into Al Gore's sighs? How many more times do we want to talk about George W. Bush's boyish charm? Is it doing us any good to hear repeatedly from one candidate that the other candidate's prescription drug plan requires seniors to crawl naked under barbed wire on their way to the pharmacy?\nI blame television. I'm sure there were problems with politics before "the little glowing box," but it would be a challenge for the Bush campaign to exploit Gore's eye-rolling in a pamphlet or broadside. But now, with the help of television, we can worry about every arm-crossing, tear to pieces the tone of a candidate's voice and generally put every nod, wink and blink under the microscope of erratic public opinion.\nAnd it's just exhausting. "Gore slips two points!" "Bush gains among white men, falls behind with African-American women!" "Al Gore rallies among Angolan night-club owners!" \nWho cares! At this point, after two years of election coverage, of people screaming at us, of candidates sounding like card-board egg cartons have been stuffed into their brains, how can any of us be expected to care? \nBut now it's really hit the fan. We might just have a war brewing in the Middle East. After a decade of coasting on Easy Street, we might need a good leader in the Oval Office, in case the Israelis and Palestinians don't make nice.\nSo what are we going to do? As insufferable as the race is by now, we have no choice but to carefully listen to the two candidates. It's been a while since international conflict reminded us the world can be a scary place, so everybody hold hands during the last debate, and I promise the election will be over soon.\nAnd remember, it could be worse. Here are some alternatives to the current election process:\nPlan A: Saved by the Bell\nDuring the last month of the campaign, the candidates would be sent to a randomly selected high school. It could be in the inner city, middle America or Maui. Al and George would attend classes, eat lunch and party hearty with all-American kids, who would then hold a school assembly during which they would elect the next president of the United States. \nPros: Congress would pass legislation to improve public schools. We'd see if a candidate like W. could pass pre-calculus. The rest of America would get to ignore politics for a few weeks.\nCons: If you're at all familiar with the words "swirly" and "wedgie," you know why this is a bad idea. Do you remember what your senior class president did? Peace in the Balkans? I think not.\nPlan B: Pencils Ready!\nEach candidate would have to take a series of essay tests. They might have to respond to the question, "Why I want to be president," in 1,000 words or less. Then, various civic organizations, such as the Rotary Club and the Daughters of the American Revolution, would judge the samples. The person with the higher score would win.\nPros: We would at least know if the candidates could read and write. The Rotary Club and DAR would see a membership surge.\nCons: Remember the last essay test you took? I'd have a rough time being presidential in a blue book. \nPlan C: million Dollar Man\nSince all we care about is the economy (work with me for a moment), why not test the candidates through the market? Al and George would get a million each. For three quarters, they could invest it however they wanted. By the end, whoever could show the best portfolio would keep their profits and the honor of looking after the national checkbook.\nPros: Day trading would take on a whole new significance. \nCons: While the candidates were losing their shirts, we'd be losing our souls.\nSee? What we've got going isn't half as bad as some of the alternatives. Stay tuned! It could be worse. \n(Is that the best rallying call we have?)