In wake of the malicious attack at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh, I have felt many things. These feelings are nothing I haven't felt before but as time passed have become more frequent.
Late my sophomore year of college, I was assigned a project for one of my classes that involved me interviewing family members and researching their lineage. I chose my mom because she was adopted young, and we never really knew her biological family.
During the process of this interview, I found out my great-great grandparents were immigrants from Germany who were Jewish. My mom is Jewish by lineage and this sparked me learning about the Jewish faith and community.
While I was not raised Jewish, so I do not share certain memories and traditions with the rest of my community, I do feel strong ties to this piece of my family and myself, and my fellow Jews. I am learning what it means to be a Jew every day. But these days, with all the anti-Semitism happening, this is how it feels to be a Jew.
How it feels to be Jewish right now is tense.
It is utterly terrifying that people are murdered in cold blood just for being Jewish. A part of me I cannot change, nor want to, angers people to the point of terrorism. It feels so crushing to think people who have never met me, my Rabbi or my Jewish friends might want to hurt us.
I think every day now about Hillel, a Jewish center on campus, where I have spent so many great Shabbats and celebrations with my Jewish family. I think about the people in there that gave me opportunities and fostered my growth as a Jew, who made me want to stay connected to this part of me. And I think about losing them to a hateful crime.
It feels somber to be Jewish right now.
I remember during my trip to Israel sitting with my friends in the middle of the desert and reflecting with everyone how this experience had made us all closer and helped us all understand our roles better. We reflected how everywhere, Jewish people always struggle no matter how much we have struggled in the past.
As the majority of us were students at IU, we also reflected on the anti-Semitic things we have seen on campus or even experienced. Most of us recalled a swastika etched on the backs of bathroom doors or study desks, even incidents on websites involving slurs. There is even a preacher on campus who openly makes derogatory statements about Jewish people.
It feels so frustrating to be Jewish right now.
We discussed the horrid empty feeling in our stomachs we felt when we read these anti-Semitic comments or experienced these events, even if it only lasted a second. Sometimes you ignore it and scoff, because it’s lame and annoying to scratch a swastika into anything. But there is always that twinge in the back of your mind that makes you wonder what you have done to deserve such disrespect.
It feels so vulnerable to be Jewish right now.
Yet beyond all of the grief and fear, if I know one thing it is that Jewish people are resilient. We are hopeful and kind, like the nurse who treated the suspected Pittsburgh shooter who threatens her very existence. We are strong and determined.
The nurse who treated the shooter said in an interview with Time that the nurse “felt the best way to honor his victims was for a Jew to prove him wrong.” For me, being a Jew means that I am supposed to leave this world better than I found it. I hope to honor that too.
It feels hopeful to be Jewish right now.
It feels wonderful to be a Jew. I always feel proud to be a Jew.
