Aquarius
The fact that an aquarius is an air sign and not a water sign is frustrating. So is your overwhelming desire to go against the grain sometimes. You need to be realistic about some of your expectations of others.
Pisces
You probably aren’t going to make it as a professional wrestler, but that’s OK. You have a lot of other internal problems to wrestle, which you've been avoiding lately.
Aries
Take a nap today because you need it. Your sign is only one letter off from Ariel, so drink some water and pretend you’re a mermaid this week.
Taurus
You need to focus on being in the moment. If you catch yourself dozing off or losing focus, snap out of it. Your fantasies mean nothing. You are nothing.
Gemini
You do too much — take a break. You deserve a bubble bath or something. If you start thinking you should get Chipotle, you shouldn’t. You know what it does to your insides.
Cancer
Cancer might be a disease, but you’re not. Take yourself out for lunch this week. Somewhere nice, like Wendy’s to get a 4 for $4.
Leo
Someone is going to give you something to eat that isn't up to your standards. Suck it up and eat it. Who knows, you might get food poisoning. You might even die. But the mediocre experience will be worth sacrificing your dramatic attitude.
Virgo
It’s fine that you don’t remember the dream you had last night. It wouldn’t make a good story to anyone other than you anyways.
Libra
Make sure to avoid plaid for the next week or you will suffer a great injury. Check the ground for coins and pick them up because you will need them soon. Stop thinking about going out to buy sushi and let it come to you — good things come to those who wait.
Scorpio
Make up your mind and get it together. It’s time to stop being messy. Call your mom. Leave five minutes early for anything going on this week, traffic is not on your side.
Sagittarius
You might value knowledge, but being an idiot is also fine sometimes. Binge-watch a game show that just happened to be on TV when you were too lazy to change the channel, or spend three hours doing BuzzFeed quizzes. Embrace the lack of drive you never took the time to appreciate.
Capricorn
I know you want to do a creative activity, but it’s fine if it doesn’t happen. Just tweet eight times a day, because that definitely counts as a creative activity now.
