Hello. I got married a few years ago in my early 20s. I was a virgin until my wedding night. My husband and I have always had a lot of chemistry. About 6 weeks before our wedding, I started taking birth control pills.
At first, my sex life with my husband was great (past the few first awkward weeks). And it was really easy for me to get orgasms, both clitoral and vaginal. I almost always got them before he did as well. I was so proud of my body. But because of how the birth control affected my body specifically (I stopped getting periods), I talked to my OB about this and she suggested putting me on pills with more estrogen so I’d get my period.
It worked, but then my emotions felt different and I stopped being able to have orgasms. Then I went off the pill and haven’t gotten my orgasms back. My doctor suggested I see a therapist, but still nothing has changed. My husband is very aware of this struggle and we talk about it often. He is always very giving and constantly trying different things to help me peak. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a small sense of shame when I can’t join him in his pleasure — as well as make me more than a little bummed because I remember how good orgasms felt. Also, isn’t sex in your 20s supposed to be the best? What do you suggest?
If you’re open to seeing a therapist again, I recommend seeing a sex therapist — not just a regular therapist, as most regular therapists have no dedicated training in sex therapy. However, you can find a sex therapist through sstarnet.org or aasect.org.
Second, I highly recommend the book “Becoming Orgasmic” — it has been shown to be just as effective as sex therapy in helping women learn to experience orgasm. It has helped many of my students (who are about your age) and has been translated into, I think, about 16 languages, so it has helped millions of women all around the world. I am confident that reading the book with your husband, and trying some of the exercises it suggests, will help you both to create a more pleasurable (and likely even a more orgasmic) sex life together.
And I also want to encourage you to challenge some myths you may have about sex, like the idea that sex in your 20s is supposed to be the “peak.” In fact, everyone’s life path with sex is different, and quite many people find that sex gets better with time and experience, so I hope that reading “Becoming Orgasmic” gives you some fun practice to look forward to, as well as opportunities to connect with your husband and expand your sense of intimacy.
Kinsey Confidential is a collaboration of the IU School of Public Health and The Kinsey Institute. Dr. Debby Herbenick is an associate professor at Indiana University and author of six books about sex including “The Coregasm Workout” and “Sex Made Easy.” Visit us at KinseyConfidential.org & follow us on Twitter at @DebbyHerbenick and @KinseyCon.
