I barely feel anything when I have sex or even masturbate. I need to rub myself to masturbate.
The “in and out” thing doesn’t work with me. I also did not bleed during my first time having sex. I want to know what’s wrong with me sexually?
There’s nothing you’ve described that sounds odd or unusual or broken or “wrong” with your sexuality. You sound like a normal human being who’s exploring their sexual response.
Some people experience a lot of sensation when they have sex or masturbate, especially if they are with a partner who highly arouses them, are thinking particularly exciting thoughts, or are having intense fantasies (whether during partner sex or masturbation.)
I wonder: what kinds of sex and masturbation are you having? Are you having sex and masturbating just because you feel like you should, or because that’s what you think people your age do? Or are you having sex and masturbating because you’re driven by desire or arousal?
One long-time sex therapist I know once told me to help women better connect with their arousal, she’d suggest that they wait to have sex or masturbate until their vagina was practically pulsating with built-up arousal. As arousal increases, blood flow also increases to the genitals, which can change how the body notices and responds to touch.
You could try delaying masturbation or partner sex and see how it changes sensation for you, if at all.
I should also mention that it takes many women some time (months or even years) to explore their bodies and sexuality. Not all women orgasm from the “in and out” thrusting of intercourse, though about one third regularly do.
Most women, however, find they either require or are helped by stimulating their clitoris during intercourse. And as far as sex toy use goes, it’s more common for women to apply vibrators to their clitoris than to insert a vibrator into their vagina.
So it’s not unusual to experience more sensation or pleasure from genital rubbing or touching.
Two books you might find helpful are “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “Becoming Orgasmic” by Julia Heiman. I wish you the best in exploring your sexuality and embracing the particular ways that you find pleasure.
Kinsey Confidential is a collaboration of the IU School of Public Health and The Kinsey Institute. Dr. Debby Herbenick is an associate professor at IU and author of six books about sex including “The Coregasm Bloomington Sex Salon strives to take the stigma out of sex Workout” and “Sex Made Easy.” Visit us at KinseyConfidential.org & follow us on Twitter at @DebbyHerbenick and @KinseyCon.
