It’s normal for my boyfriend to watch porn a few times a week, right? I feel like I am overreacting to it. I feel more insecure about my body, but sometimes I think maybe it’s more of a trust thing ... like I am worried he is cheating because he is watching this when I am not around. But I know he is home every night with me, he always tells me he loves me and he enjoys spending time with me. I worry that it’s going to interfere in our personal life. Should I be worried?
Some people don’t like porn and never watch it. Others rarely watch. Some like porn and watch on occasion or even regularly. Some people integrate porn into their relationships in positive ways and others don’t. This suggests it’s not porn itself that’s the problem but how people feel about it and do or don’t talk with their partner about it.
For example, you mentioned your boyfriend watches porn a few times a week, but you also said he watches porn when you’re not around. So how do you know he watches it a few times a week? If he knows you don’t like porn and as a result he only watches it in private when you are not there, he may be trying to be sensitive to your feelings and keep it away from you. He gets to enjoy porn (likely as a part of his masturbation) and you don’t have to watch it or hear it or otherwise be exposed to it. As long as you don’t quiz him about his private porn watching or masturbation details, it doesn’t have to be a part of your life.
The fact that your boyfriend loves you, spends time with you and is home with you are all good signs of a healthy relationship. If you can express your insecurities and concerns with him, without making him feel guilty, those are also parts of a healthy relationship. If you have concerns he is cheating, I’d encourage you to ask yourself why. If the only reason you are worried he is cheating is because he watches porn, then rest assured that watching porn is not a sign of cheating. On the other hand, maybe you’re worried about cheating because you’ve been cheated on in the past, or because one or both of your parents cheated or because you’ve seen it happen often enough in your friend group or in the movies. If any of these are the case, try talking with your boyfriend about your insecurities and what could help you to feel more confident in your relationship.
Finally, if porn use is truly a deal breaker for you but he wants to watch it, then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. There are some men out there who don’t watch porn, and if that is very important to you, you may want to look for those men and be open, early on, about that mattering to you.
Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., is a research fellow and sexual health educator at IU’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. She is the author of five books about sex, including “Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered for Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex.” Check us out online at KinseyConfidential.org .
Kinsey Confidential is a service of The Kinsey Institute. For more good sex information, podcasts or to submit a question, visit us online at kinseyconfidential.org .
