Question: If I initiate fondling of my girlfriend and my girlfriend just lays there doing nothing but sleeping or resting then gets mad because I fall asleep, who is at fault? I’m the one who initiates sex. I do all of the touching in the relationship.
Here at the Kinsey Institute, it is not our job to place blame on you or your ?partner.
What I’d suggest is to talk together and try to not blame one another. Those kinds of negative feelings may help one of you to win a fight, but it probably won’t help you feel that good in your relationship or your sexual experiences together.
Does your girlfriend asked to be touched sexually or fondled while she is resting or sleeping? If so, what are her expectations? Does she want you to stay and touch her until she wakes up? If so, that may be unrealistic as, at some point, you may fall asleep too or have other things to do.
Giving her fair expectations — for example, saying that you’re happy to touch her until she falls asleep but might do something else after she falls asleep — is one path to try.
It also sounds like you are feeling as though you initiate sex and touching almost all the time and that this bothers you. Rather than letting resentment build, you might find it helpful to let your girlfriend know how much you like being with her but that you’d like it if she initiated sex or touching with you, too. Women are sometimes used to being “chased” or desired or feeling wanted but don’t always realize — especially as teenagers or young adults — how much men need and want to feel desired and wanted, too. You might think what it would mean to you if she touched you more and communicate that to her in your own words. For example, you might say, “I want to feel like you want me” or “When you initiate sex with me, it turns me on.”
You can learn more about sex and how to talk to your partner about it in “Great in Bed” or “The Guide to Getting It On.”
Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., is a research fellow and sexual health educator at IU’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction. She is the author of five books about sex, including “Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered for Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex.”
Kinsey Confidential is a service of The Kinsey Institute. For more good sex information, podcasts or to submit a question, visit us online at kinseyconfidential.org.
