Improper sexecution

Thanksgiving isn’t the sexiest holiday — overeating tends to lead to post-meal naps more than post-meal nookie.

The holiday break is known for the decidedly unsexy “Turkey dump” phenomenon, in which college freshmen break up with their high school sweethearts.

Our condolences and congratulations to the newly single among you.

But in light of a recent Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction study, we couldn’t be more thankful for the decidedly tame nature of the Thanksgiving holiday.

According to the study, people are using condoms, but they’re not using them correctly.

Men and women reported the following problems: putting the condom on backward and having to flip it over, putting the condom on after starting sex, not leaving space at the tip of the condom, using a condom without lubricant, taking the condom off before finishing, having different kinds of sex using the same condom, having the condom slip off or having the condom break.

All in all, it wasn’t an impressive showing, as most respondents in the study participated in some type of ill-advised condom behavior.

Just so everyone knows, every box of condoms includes instructions on how to put on a condom. It will tell you to pinch the tip of the condom and roll it down to the base of the penis. There should be an air pocket at the tip, which will prevent breaking.

If you put the condom on upside down, do not flip it and act like everything is fine. It is not fine. You have just put anything that was on your penis — including STDs and pre-ejaculate — on the outside of the condom, which will touch your partner’s orifices.

Get a new condom.

You should also get a new condom in between different sex acts. Just think about it for too long. If you are still in the mood, use a new condom.

Finally, the condom only works if you use it the whole time.

Other safe sex myths:

“Just the tip” isn’t real. No, you’re just having weird, unprotected sex.

Perfect execution of the pull-out method still carries a 4-percent risk of pregnancy, it is almost impossible to ensure you do it correctly every time and it doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted infections. Use a different, better method.

Birth control pills work only if you take them every day. Forgetting and then taking three in a day is not how baby making is prevented.

She can still get pregnant if she was on top, if she was on her period or if you were in a hot tub. Stop it.

If you’re having sex with someone who has the same parts as you, don’t hop off the safe sex train. Even though no one’s going to get pregnant, STIs still exist.

Everyone should get tested regularly, especially if you have multiple partners. Planned Parenthood, Positive Link and the IU Health Center all offer STI testing.
Condoms can be confusing, which is why the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is currently funding research on how to make a thinner, stronger, easier-to-put-on, better fitting condom.

The future will be better — but for now, we have to learn how to work with what we’ve got.

­— opinion@idsnews.com
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