Don't apologize for your holiday drinking

My mother says I should only drink alcohol when the situation absolutely merits.

Luckily, I am very skilled at finding reasons to celebrate, and I hold my holiday toasts in high esteem.

I’d like to propose one now.

Here’s to holidays where we as Americans don’t feel the need to disguise our alcoholic tendencies under the guise of Irish sainthood, Mexican patriotism or any of those other entities you would never think of celebrating unless they could somehow incorporate alcohol consumption.

I prefer to acknowledge the fact that we as a nation just appreciate good old-fashioned consumption, particularly during the holiday season.

For instance, how many times a year do you actually stop to appreciate Irish saints?

Really, if you said anything more than once on March 17, I’d be shocked.

On more occasions than I’d care to discuss, I’ve received phone calls from one stammering, intoxicated voice or another at some ungodly hour of the night.

“Come celebrate with us! It’s Arbor Day! Why aren’t you here?” the voice might stutter.

“It’s now — Oh, let me see — 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. If I’m not there already, it’s
because I don’t want to be,” I’ll explain.

“Aw, come on! Someone has to celebrate Hawaii.”

“I think you’re thinking of Pearl Harbor Day.”

It’s gotten to the point where my friends will celebrate almost any so-called “holiday” just to have a somewhat-convincing reason and a half-decent excuse to drink on a Tuesday night.

Lately, our toasts, that first-drink ritual to commence each evening, have gone somewhat downhill.

“Here’s to Presidents’ Weekend!”

“To D-Day!”

And as we continue to make toasts, the chanting becomes increasingly erratic.

“To Adopt-a-Shelter-Cat month!”

“To World Menopause week!”

“To Heimlich Maneuver day!”

I suppose exceptions could be made.

One could reasonably infer that federal holidays would justify drinking since one would presumably get the day off from work, school or other official duties.

Thus, it is acceptable to drink on the following nationally sanctioned occasions: New Year’s Day, MLK day, Washington’s birthday, Memorial, Independence, Labor, Columbus and Veterans’ days, Thanksgiving and Christmas. That’s 10 right there.

Additionally, these non-official Hallmark holidays could be equally as valid as officially sanctioned holidays — as they have more festive themes and, thus, are better suited to drinking and general bar-appropriate merriment: Mardi Gras, Super Bowl Sunday, Groundhog’s Day, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Good Friday, Easter, both nights of Passover, April Fool’s Day, Earth Day, Arbor Day, Mother’s and Father’s days, Cinco de Mayo, Flag Day, Patriot Day, Halloween, Election Day, Black Friday, Hanukkah, Pearl Harbor Day, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa and New Year’s Eve.

Thus, by this accord, and with the addition of weekends and two weeks of vacation per year, you could reasonably be drinking a comfortable 100 nights of the year, no justification needed.

So, let’s hear it for the boys.

Here’s to you, my friends — misters Jim Bean and Jose Cuervo and Captain
Morgan.

May your holidays be aplenty and your liver stay strong.

­— chkent@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Chloe Kent on Twitter @the_real_ck.