He said, she said?

“Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Austin. What pronoun do you prefer?”

Apparently, this is the way conversations are supposed to begin now. Several recent campaigns have been pushing the notion that a person should ask, rather than assume, how another person would like to identify him or herself.

This is yet another step in a series of advancements in the way we learn about and accept those who are different from ourselves. It also exemplifies the complexity of a non-binary system.

It may, though, have gone a little too far.

Though the most well-educated and thoughtful gender studies majors may be excited about this new idea, others are bound to be baffled at the expectation.

It is also important to note that, when communicating with another person, the only necessary pronoun is “you.” When asking someone whether they prefer he or she, someone is trying to figure out how to talk about that person in a later conversation, most likely with others.

In that regard, it is more of a philosophical attempt to understand another person, rather than a practical need for information for the purpose of conversation.

The expectation is that conversationalists will take a certain amount of discomfort and spread it around. It is uncomfortable for someone who identifies in a way different from their appearance to have to correct someone else who makes an incorrect
assumption.

The logic of asking someone what they prefer is that it makes the conversation minutely and momentarily awkward, rather than leaving the shame to one person, the one who is identifying in non-apparent ways.

In a perfect world, this is how we would address one another. We would be thoughtful, caring and willing to take on an awkward situation for the benefit of those who feel slighted.

Unfortunately, we aren’t there yet. This isn’t the kind of conversation that can happen in today’s world. There are still far too many ignorant and bigoted people for this conversation starter to become mainstream.

The reality of today is that a very small part of our society is as accepting as we would like. Rather than continuing to find new and innovative ways of revolutionizing how we accept and care for one another, we need to continue to develop a foundation of acceptance. We are moving on before that foundation is firmly set.

Before we can revolutionize the way we talk to one another about sex and gender issues, we need to continue to educate people about the differences among us and that those differences are acceptable and appreciated. We need to ensure that schools are teaching their students to be thoughtful and loving toward their peers, regardless of their pronoun identification.

So while we need to continue to grow and move forward, we cannot do that at the expense of the understanding of our society as a whole.

­— azoot@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Austin Zoot on Twitter @austinzoot12.