Top 5 #GayBoyProblems

Being a gay man is a distinct experience, like being a snowflake.

It can also be a weird experience, like going to Walmart at 3 a.m.

Having been blessed with the wonderful gift of gay, I feel like I have to explain #GayBoyProblems quite often to my straight friends.

Seeing as there are many common experiences that bond most of us homosexual men, I’ve compiled a list of the five most common #GayBoyProblems.  

Falling in love with your straight friend

This one is probably the single most frustrating thing a gay man can
experience.

You have that one friend who’s perfect in all the right ways — he’s smart, witty, fit and, sadly, heterosexual.

Having to accept your damnation to never date him is a milestone in the life of a gay man.

Dressing comfortably and immediately being judged

Straight guys can go out wearing basketball shorts, dirty Nikes and an old tank top and still get phone numbers.

Gay guys wear a T-shirt and basketball shorts and suddenly it’s as though the world has ended and we’re the plague that caused it.

Hearing people use ‘faggot’ without getting obviously offended/hurt

Before you come out, gay guys — and gay girls, too — have to endure, at some point, people using homophobic slurs.

And you aren’t allowed to get offended. Otherwise, it makes you seem a little bit too into homos to be hetero.

Having your gaydar thrown off by Europeans — or hipsters

Some people have this supernatural ability to sense when someone is a little too fabulous.

I’m just kidding. There’s no such thing as being “too” fabulous.

I know that I had to change my gaydar settings completely when I came to Bloomington.

IU Hipsters threw me for a loop. Bravo.

Being asked about your girlfriend by an estranged aunt/grandma/cousin

Regardless of your level of confidence in yourself, it’s always awkward to tell Grandma that, no, you aren’t dating a woman and, yes, you do have a major crush on Ryan Gosling.

There is one bonus #GayBoyProblem that is largely problematic and should be taken seriously.

Being oppressed by the patriarchy

The patriarchy, or the dominance in society by straight old white men, is something that oppresses most people in society who aren’t straight old white men.

Women, people of color and homosexuals are largely oppressed and abused by patriarchy.

And it’s time more people start to pay attention to how our system is made to benefit those at the top — and no one else.

­— ajguenth@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Andrew Guenther on Twitter @GuentherAndrew.