Tearing down "Billboard"

For some odd reason, my grandparents were watching the pre-Billboard Music Awards TV special that featured award-winning journalists telling us information that we’ve already read on Wikipedia about our favorite music artists.

All was going well until Barbara Walters introduced the biggest waste of country airwaves: Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift can’t sing.

I said it. Yes, “Mean” was written about me.

She can play the guitar and has great hair.

Other than that she’s just a depressing, permanently 14-year-old Emily Dickinson with less poetic talent. Far less. As in none.

When I expressed this opinion out loud, my younger sister jumped to Taylor’s defense.

Taylor Swift is awesome, according to her. She’s a good singer. She writes great songs. She isn’t annoying. She hasn’t changed that much. Her new sound isn’t on a level of annoyance that makes you want to pull a double Van Gogh. And anyway, if you hate her music because it has the same “Oh no, another guy broke my heart and it’s not my fault” message then you shouldn’t like an artist like Adele.

Point taken, little sister, but the point is that Adele can actually sing.

Oh, but Taylor Swift’s saving grace (at least according to some) is that she’s a “terrific” role model. My sister and I continued arguing over whether Swift was a real role model for women.

Of course, by this point Barbara Walters had moved on to the likes of Madonna, Lady Gaga and Beyoncé. At some point Ke$ha came up and there was something mentioned about leotards and we just lost it until I wondered, “what does any of this have to do with the awards?”

How are music awards like Billboard given out? Are they based on record sales? Societal influence? Is there a secret panel of judges that decides whether or not Maroon 5 is a better group than Mumford & Sons? And what kind of sketchy panel would decide that?

Music awards should be given to musicians, people with real musical talent. I don’t see many nominees who fit that sensible requirement.

Taylor can’t sing. One Direction couldn’t harmonize live if you kicked one of them in the groin. Justin Bieber can’t even wear pants correctly, let alone sing. Psy articulates better English than Nicki Minaj. And I’d be willing to start a Save the Moose Foundation if Canada promised to take Carly Rae Jepsen back and lock her up.

Music has definitely changed since the good old days, when the biggest debate was between ‘NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys.

But so has the audience. And in the end, the audience is what determines what good music is by what they’re willing to pay for.

If the majority says artists like Taylor Swift are the ones making music great nowadays, then fine.

I’m used to being in a minority anyway.

­— lnbanks@indiana.edu