Everything’s better in the nude

We call it naked therapy

Like eating peanut butter if you have arachibutyrophobia or jumping out of a plane for anyone ever, think of it as exposure therapy.

Naked time is the best time. A time of joy. A time of revelry. 

A time of not eating chips and salsa because you’re going to get crumbs and salsa all over yourself. 

A special time.

Being comfortable in your naked body is important, and having to don nothing every day is the fast track to being cool with you. There’s nothing you can do to hide or accentuate, so you’ll steadily become okay with what is.

In confronting your own naked body and forcing others to confront it, you are making room for you. You are normalizing your body. 

“This is my body and it will not hide!” you shout. 

“Not even us!” shout your naughty bits.

A totally naked mile

Every fall, IU students run the Nearly Naked Mile as part of Homecoming Week. Participants donate as many articles of clothing as their dignity will bear and then run a mile up Seventh Street in the dark, surprising visiting alumni, families and hapless students waiting for the bus in front of the Indiana Memorial Union.

Next year, let’s turn this good idea into a great idea.

Let’s turn the merely surprising into the shocking, nay, the appalling. Let’s launch a scientific inquiry into the very limits of human decency and spectator tolerance.

Let’s allow the athletes to liberate themselves from the surly bonds of their boxers and turn the venerated Nearly Naked Mile into the Completely Naked Mile.

Why not? It’s nothing we’ve never seen before. And no matter the public reaction, we can’t go wrong: either applications to IU will markedly increase, or we will solve our over-enrollment problem very, very quickly.

Nude Little 500

The week of Little 500 tends to bring out IU students’ most primal and primitive tendencies.

Constant overindulgence. Wild fornication. Hedonism in its most perfected form. So it’s a wonder we’ve yet to make the weeklong festivities clothing optional.

If we’re going to act like untamed jungle animals, we may as well dress the part. Most of the time, if you’re celebrating Little 500 the right way, the majority of your clothes aren’t on anyway. So when that glorious week rolls around, leave your dirty laundry undone and let your inner nudist shine. Take the opportunity to party in your most natural state.

If by some chance you actually make it to class, don’t bother prioritizing your modesty. We’ve got such an abundance of gorgeous men and women on campus, and it’s time to let the freak flags fly.

Teachers, please don’t join us in our nude voyeurism. No student wants to be that traumatized this close to finals.