If you give a Hoosier a banner...

They’re going to want a drink, and by “a drink” we mean at least three handles. Maybe one keg per person. Regardless, if you give a Hoosier a banner: liquor stores, restaurants and bars, you best be ready.

And if you give a Hoosier a drink upon giving them a banner, well, they’re going to be belligerent. They’re going to make life hell for the bartenders and wait staff unlucky enough to be working that week. Yes, that whole week.

So if you give a Hoosier a drink, they’re going to ask to get kicked out of your drinking establishment. They won’t necessarily ask in the literal sense — by then no one will be able to decipher the carnival of words coming out of their mouths — but they will be begging you with their eyes. You aren’t cruel. You give them what they ask for.

If you kick a Hoosier out of a bar, they’re going to cause chaos on Kirkwood Avenue. They’re going to want to flip a car over. We know it sounds unreasonable, but that’s what they want. Sorry, we’re just trying to be realistic here.  

If they fail to flip over a car, they’re at least going to have a minor riot. Just a small one, like the teeniest riot you can imagine.  

Either that or it’ll be like the prom scene from “She’s All That,” where we all inexplicably do the same dance. Except, instead of Fatboy Slim’s “Rockefeller Skank,” it’s to “This is IU.”

Speaking of “This is IU,” if you give a Hoosier a banner, they’re going to have to release a newer, probably worse, rap. Some of the original’s lyrics don’t make sense anymore, and just like IUBB, Brice Fox and Daniel Weber are aching for a comeback.

So expect them to poop out something else upon giving Hoosiers a banner.  

All the dancing and car-flipping and rioting on Kirkwood has consequences. If you give a Hoosier a banner, the earth will shake violently, and a hell mouth will open right there on Kirkwood. Kilroy’s will be swallowed up, and we’ll finally get the end of the world we’ve been waiting for.

That’s right, if you give a Hoosier a banner, they might just end the world. After all, six banners doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “last banner ever received in the history of everything.”