How to talk to your maybe-racist relatives

We’ve all got at least one: the well-intentioned but maybe not so well-spoken relative who ends up saying something borderline racist, thus killing any conversation that was happening.

They’re the only people who can make you go from talking about the new cast of “Dancing With the Stars” to a deep existential inner monologue about race and post-9/11 America in two seconds flat.

This is a constant struggle I go through with my grandpa every time I see him, and over the years, I’ve near-perfected the art of near-racist deflection.

The most recent event happened while I was at home for a portion of my spring break. The family was gathered around for breakfast discussing a Chicago Tribune article about high-grossing celebrities and their salaries — Gabby Douglas appeared on the list.

In my grandpa’s opinion, Douglas only has all the money and fame now because of her nationality.

To which I responded, “Well her nationality is American, so you mean something else, right?”

And then he had to say it — he had to admit he meant because she’s black.

This is the first step: making maybe-racists realize and own up to what they are
saying.

The fact of the matter is that many maybe-racist relatives simply grew up in a different time. They weren’t conditioned to be accepting like most of the subsequent generations. Race was simply different then.

While it’s hard to imagine our liberal-minded modern youth not quite understanding something in the future, we’ll get there. Eventually we’ll not understand some sort of societal change, and our grandkids will laugh and say we’re inappropriate. It’s important to keep this in mind.

This generational gap and lack of awareness doesn’t mean that the maybe-racist needs to be scolded, nor does it mean that he/she should be let off scot-free.

The maybe-racists just need to realize what they are saying and why it could be problematic.

After my grandpa said the words “It’s because she’s black,” we all respectfully and semi-chaotically jumped on him, explaining how this wasn’t OK.

My mother mostly spun it by saying that in public, people might think him racist, and she didn’t want that.

He held his ground for a bit, but eventually he folded.

This is step two: making sure maybe-racists know that this is coming from a place of affection and the simple wish that they don’t get beat up when speaking in public.

The maybe-racists won’t change if you just get angry at them and say they are raging bigots, case closed.

What seems to work instead is passive-aggressively letting them know that society might think of them as racist, and because you love them, you don’t want to see that happen.

You have to personalize with sugarcoated affection. Then they might understand.

Changing maybe-racists isn’t a one-and-done process. It’ll take quite a few conversations where you make them realize “those Japs” doesn’t quite fly anymore.

But if you hold steady, it’ll happen.

Just keep your cool and remember that someday this will probably happen to you.

­— sjostrow@indiana.edu