Spending your lottery winnings wisely

In honor of Larry Chandler, the Highland, Ind., man who won
$1 million in the Hoosier Lottery last week and celebrated by taking his girlfriend to Red Lobster, here’s our list of lackluster things to do with your millions.

Any FatHead sticker

Who needs a big-screen TV when you can put a life-size sticker of Andrew Luck on your wall? You can display your millionaire man cave for all of your proletarian friends to admire. Unlike that pesky TV image, your FatHead sticker will stand still, which will allow you to experience literally tens of minutes of boundless enjoyment. Combine it with your very own kegerator, and your life is complete. With entertainment like that, who needs HD?

Season passes to Indiana Beach

The Riviera of the Midwest is obviously the perfect spot for the fledgling millionaire to flex his newfound financial muscle. But millionaires don’t pay admission; they join up for the year. Join the ranks of the nouveau riche, and you can spend the whole summer riding all six of those roller coasters again and again. You know there’s more than corn in Indiana. There’s a dirty lake, too.

A trip to the state fair

You can only go to Red Lobster so many times before you get tired of the swankiness of such a high-class dining experience. Bring yourself back down to earth with a trip to the state fair. The tickets to the Ferris wheel are a bit pricey, but what do you care? You’re a millionaire, remember? Spend the day gorging yourself on corndogs, fried butter and elephant ears, all while gazing at prize-winning textiles, pies and cattle. Is that your Aunt Gladys in stall four?

Your very own NASCAR

Who needs Dale Earnhardt, Jr., or Tony Stewart when you can drive yourself to work every day just like them, without air conditioning or a radio? Your coworkers will throw jealous glances in your direction as you haul yourself in and out through the window of your new man-toy. And none of that Toyota nonsense; you’re a Chevy man through and through. You don’t even watch Samurai movies.